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THI7 AMA7HNCL Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five fe- 
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UIC UniTCC IM ADniTII Comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, 
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A Couple of Million 

An American Comedy in Four Acts 



By 
WALTER BEN HARE 

Author of "Professor Pepp" "Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown" 
"'The Heiress Hunters" "A College Town" "A Rustic 
Romeo," "The Fascinators" "Teddy" "A Pageant of 
History," "The Scout Master" "A Southern Cinderella" 
"Much Ado About Betty," "The Hoodoo," "The Boy 
Scouts," "The Dutch Detective," "The Camp-Fire Girls," 
"Isosceles," etc. 



NOTE 

The acting rights of this play are strictly reserved. Performance may 
be given by amateurs on payment to the author of a royalty often dollars 
Cjio.oo) for each performance. Correspondence on this subject should 
be addressed to the publishers. The professional stage rights are also 
siricily reserved, and performance by professional actors, given in adver- 
tised places of amusement and for profit, is forbidden. Persons who may 
wish to produce this play publicly and professionally should apply to the 
author in care of the publishers. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1917 



PS 3515 

^ 5*75 Cm- 

A Couple of Millioh 

THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY 

Bemis Bennington. 

Hon. Jeremy Wise. 

James Patrick Burns, '•Stubby." 

Professor Noah Jabb. 

Beverly Loman. 

Squire Piper. 

Fay Fairbanks. 

Mrs. Clarice Courtenay. 

Genevieve McGully. 

Sammie Bell Porter. 

Pink. 

Several Hill-Billies. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — The law office of Hon. Jeremy Wise, New York City. 
A morning in July. 

Act II. — The exterior of the court-house, Opaloopa, Alabama. 
An afternoon in October. 

Act III. — Same as Act II. The next afternoon. 

Act IV. — Mrs. Courtenay's sitting-room, Opaloopa, Alabama. 
A night in April. 




Copyright, 1917, by Walter Ben Hare ^ 
As author and proprietor 

All rights reserved 

MAR -7#i'7n 46 339 






PLEASE NOTICE 

The professional stage-rights in this play are strictly reserved 
by the author, to whom applications for its use should be ad- 
dressed in care of the publishers. Amateurs may obtain permis- 
sion to produce it privately on payment to him of a fee of ten 
dollars ($10.00) for each performance, in advance. Correspond- 
ence oil this subject may be addressed to Walter H. Baker & 
Co., 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 



Attention is called to the penalties provided by the Copyright 
Law of the United States of America in force July I, 1909, for 
any infringement of his rights, as follows: 

Sec. 28. That any person who wilfully and for profit shall infringe any 
Copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid 
or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and 
upon conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not ex- 
ceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars, or both, 
at the discretion of the court. 

Sec. 29 That any person who, with fraudulent intent, shall insert or 
impress any notice of Copyright required by this Act, or words of the 
same purport, in or upon any uncopyrighted article, or with fraudulent in- 
tent shall remove or alter the copyright notice upon any article duly copy- 
righted shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of not less 
than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars. 



A Couple of Million 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The general waiting-room of the law offices of the 
Hon. Jeremy Wise, on the sixteenth floor of the Cloudkisser 
Building, New York City. Plain, dark interior set with 
two entrances, one at L. to (lie elevator, and one at R. to the 
inner offices. Window at back, if desired, showing the up- 
per stories of other tall office buildings in the distance. Neat 
office furniture. Large desk down r. with blotters, writing 
material, papers, documents, etc. Revolving chair at this 
desk. Small typeivriter desk with machine and chair down 
L. Large dark rug on the floor. Leather couch up L. c. 
Visitors' chairs around stage. Clothes-rack with mirror at 
rear c. Large calendar, and a few neatly framed pictures 
on ivalls. Calendar shows the month of July. Other office 
furniture adds to the general effect, but is not essential. 
Waste basket and brass cuspidor near the larger desk down 
R. This desk faces the R. wall, so that a person seated 
thereat will present his left profile to the audience. The 
typeivriter desk faces the audience. Lights on full through- 
out the act. 

( When the curtain rises there is no one on the stage. After 
a moment's pause the door at L. is heard being unlocked, 
then enter the Hon. Jeremy Wise, mopping his brow with 
red silk handkerchief and fanning himself with a large 
palm- leaf fan. He takes plenty of time for his entrance 
before he speaks, and comes down C, puffing and blowing 
with the heat. He wears a white suit and a panama hat 
and is a short, stout man with a ruddy complexion.) 

Wise (after a pause). Nine-thirty and hot as blue and 
crimson blazes. {Puts hat on rack and tucks handkerchief in 



6 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

collar.') Not a soul her,e. I wonder what my office boy and 
my stenographer think I'm paying them a salary for. I'll fire 
that boy. This is the seventeenth time he's been late this 
month, and it's only the twenty-first. Whew, it's hot ! Any 
lawyer who stays in New York through the month of July is 
either a fool or a martyr to his profession. {Removes coat and 
hangs it on the rack.) I'll get rid of Bennington this morn- 
ing, make short work of Professor Jabb, and then take a little 
recreation at the ball game this afternoon. (Fans.) Whew, 
but it's hot ! [Exits at r. 

(As soon as Wise leaves the stage, James Patrick Burns, 
more familiarly known as Stubby, is heard off l., whis- 
tling some popular air loudly. The whistling continues 
some little time, then enter Stub, from l., with the morn- 
ing's mail, several letters, newspapers, official envelopes, 
etc.) 

Stub. Some hot, this, some hot. (Comes to desk down r.) 
There's the mail for his royal highness. (Removes coat and 
cap, crosses up to rack and sees the coat and hat of Wise.) 
Sufferin' seeds of pun'kins, the boss is here ! I can see my 
finish now. Forty minutes late. Well, it wasn't my fault. 
The ferry was crippled, the subway lost its speed fer twenty 
minutes and the "el's" 'ell. (Dusts desk and chair ivith 
feather duster.) Whew, but it's hot ! (At L.) 

Enter Wise from r. 

Wise (at r.). So you're here at last, are you ? I thought 
maybe you weren't going to honor us with your company until 
this afternoon. Probably you'd like to have a half-holiday 
every morning. 

Stub, (crossing to c). Honest, Mr. Wise, the ferry 

Wise (interrupting sarcastically). The ferry was crippled, 
eh? 

Stub. Yes, sir. 

Wise. You forgot you told me that yesterday. 

Stub. No, sir, I mean the subway 

Wise. Lost its power? It did that on Monday morning. 

Stub. It was the " el " 

Wise. I suppose the elevated has suspended service. 
Where's the mail ? 

Stub, (handing it to him). Here it is. 



A COUPLE OK MILLION 7 

Wise. Haven't seen anything of Miss McGully during your 
morning ramble, have you? {Crosses to door k.) 

Stub. Gee, ain't that skirt here yet? She orter be fired. 
Honest, she gets worse and worse every week. 

Wise. I think the entire force ought to be fired. Send her 
in as soon as she comes. [Exit r. 

Stub, {seating himself at desk down R., opens newspaper 
and puts feet on the desk). 1 just gotta get off for that game 
this afternoon. Teserau is goin' to pitch, and I'd ruther be 
canned from me job than miss that baby. He's some pitchin' 
kid with the spit-ball, some pitchin' kid. 

{Studies the sporting page.) 

Enter Miss Genevieve McGully from l. She minces in 
affectedly, hangs up her hat, arranges her hair in front 
of the mirror, powders her nose, etc. Take plenty of 
time for this business, fussing with hair, ribbons, etc. 

Gen. {turning and coming down stage affectedly to desk at 
L. She speaks with a pronounced drawl). Good-morning, 
Stubby. 

Stub, {intent on the paper). Mornin', skirt ! 

Gen. Say, Stubby, lemme have a peek at the front page, 
will y' ? I'm just crazy to see what they done to Blinky 
Huggs. 

Stub, {swinging around and facing her). They tied the 
can on little Blinky all right, all right. The jury came in last 
night. See the head-lines! {Shows her the paper.) Guilty 
in the first degree. He goes to the chair in October. 

{Gives her the paper.) 

Gen. And him such a handsome guy, too. {Looks at 
front page.) Honest, James, how can a man with a nose like 
that be a wife murderer? 

Stub, (standing at a). Them's the very worstest ones. 
Say, Genevieve, there's some ball game this afternoon. 
Teserau is goin' to pitch. Goin' ? 

Gen. (loftily). Certainly not. (Pronounced in genuine 
Neiv Yorkese " Coitinly not.") If 1 can get off, it's me fer 
the movies. (Reads paper as Stub, returns to desk at R.) 
The paper says Blinky Huggs never moved a muscle when the 
sentence was pronounced. Gee, it seems too bad to send such 



8 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

a good-lookin' John to the chair, when there's so many old 
maids in New York. It's a crime, kid, it's a crime. 

(Reads intently.') 

Stub. Say, when you git through readin' all the particulars 
about the murder, Mr. Wise'd like to see you in his private 
office. 

Gen. (starting). Heavings, is he here ? (Rises.) 

Stub. You'd better believe he is. You're an hour late. 

Gen. It was the ferry. She had a breakdown. 

Stub. Nix on the ferry, skirt. I tried to spring that meself. 

Gen. What's he doing? 

Stub. Workin' up the morning's mail. Say, Genevieve 

Gen. (interrupting loftily). Miss McGully, if you please, 
James. 

Stub. My gracious, who put that record on the Victrola ? 

Gen. I'm Genevieve only to them as knows me best. 

Stub. Then you're Jen to me, 'cause there ain't no one in 
little old New York who's got a better line on you than me. 
Just take it down in shorthand, kid, and paste it on the front 
page. 

Gen. Don't be impertinent, little boy. (Sits at desk l.) 

Stub. Ring the bell, ring the bell ; you've reached your 
station. Me name is James Patrick Burns, and I'm known to 
them as loves me best as Stubby. So jest tie a tin can on that 
"little boy" stuff. I'm goin' on seventeen and shave meself 
oncet every two weeks. 

Gen. (sarcastically). Mercy, you'll soon be a man, won't 
you ? 

Stub. You'd better get busy and pick off some of them 
letters the boss gave you to do yesterday. Mr. Wise told me 
confidentially that I was the only one on the force who kep' 
me work up to date. 

Gen. (feeling under the typeivriter desk). James Patrick 
Burns, some one has stole my gum. 

Stub. Not guilty. I don't use it. Ask the scrub lady. 

Gen. (petulantly). Things is always disappearing around 
this office. I never saw such a place. I certainly will be 
happy when I can leave and get settled in my own little home. 

Stub. Has that hick fell for you at last ? Has he give you 
the ring and signed the document ? 

Gen. (loftily). Mr. Stebbins might not be a typical New 
Yorker, James Patrick Burns, but he is far from a hick, and 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 9 

well you know it. He makes twenty-two a week and is buyin' 
a home on the installment plan. 

Stub. He is, is he? Well, take a little tip from Stubby, 
skirt. You'll be a inmate on the ground floor of the Old 
Ladies' Home afore he kicks in enough to git anything in the 
real estate line. 

Gen. I wish you would kindly refrain from buttin' into 
affairs that don't in no possible way concern you. Just because 
I am forced by the tidal wave of circumstance to work in the 
same office with you is no reason at all why you should dare 
to persume to address me as an equal in society. 

Stub. Aw, tell it to the ice- man. You've been read in' 
Bertha M. Clay again. You'd better take your little book and 
do a fox-trot into the private office and explain to his nibs why 
you're over an hour late. 

Gen. (rising with note-book in hand}. You are beneath 
my notice. (Crosses to door R.) Did you get that? Most 
unequivocally beneath my notice. [Exits R. loftily. 

Stub, (after a slight pause). Gee, what a happy life we 
men 'ud have if only these here skirts 'ud leave us alone. 

(Spreads out the sporting page on the desk, leans on his two 
arms and is deeply absorbed in the paper.) 

Enter Professor Noah J abb from l. He crosses to c, looks 
at Stub., coughs gently to attract his attention, faces front 
and poses. Stub, is seated with his back toward J abb. 

Jabb. Hem ! (Louder.) Hem ! Is Mr. Wise in this 
morning ? 

Stub. Gee whiz, look what the cat brought in ! (Rises.) 
Sure he's in, but he's busy just now dictatin' to the stenog. 
Take a seat and have a look at the sporting page. (Offers 
paper.) Say, Boston is playing "some " ball ! 

Jabb {sitting at rear of stage). Thank you, I don't care 
for sports. 

Stub. No? I thought ye didn't when y' said, "hem, 
hem ! " We ain't got no Needlework Magazine, but here's 
the front page of the morning dope. All about the sentence of 
Blink y Huggs. 

Jabb (with a rising inflection). Blinky Huggs? 

Stub. Sure. You know Blinky, don't y' ? He's the wife- 
murderer. Goes to the chair in October and him only twenty- 
one. 



10 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Jabb. I am not interested in such a specimen of depravity. 
My dear young man, why don't you interest yourself in some- 
thing on a higher plane ? 

Stub. Higher plane? What kind of a air-ship is a higher 
plane ? 

Jabb. I mean you should read something that will develop 
your mentality. Something like "Sesame and Lilies," or 
Ralph Waldo Emerson. I am very, very fond of Ralph Waldo 
Emerson's work. 

Stub. Say, you orter see Teserau's work. Believe me, he's 
some pitchin' baby with that spit-ball. 

Jabb. What time will Mr. Wise be at liberty? 

Stub. At liberty? He's at liberty now. You didn't think 
he was doin' time, did y' ? 

Jabb (l. a). Then please tell him that Professor Noah Jabb 
of Opaloopa {pronounce the first letter of Opaloopa with the 
short sound), Alabama, would like to speak to him. 

Stub. Come again, please. 

Jabb. I beg your pardon ? 

Stub. Oh, don't mention it. Only gimme the handle 
again. 

Jabb (beiuildered). The handle? Give you the handle ? 

Stub. Sure. The James Henry. The moniker. The 
handle. 

Jabb (puzzled}. Moniker? Handle? 

Stub. The name. (Spells.) The n-a-m-e, name. Gimme 
the name. 

Jabb. Oh, you mean my appellation ? 

Stub. Thai's it. Gimme your apple. I didn't get it the 
first time. 

Jabb. I am Professor Noah Jabb of Opaloopa, Alabama. 

Stub. No wonder you call it a apple. 

Jabb. Has Mr. Bennington been in this morning? 

Stub. Not yet, but he generally drops in every morning. 

Jabb. At about what hour? 

Stub. Whenever he gets up. Sometimes it's earlier and 
sometimes it's later; it's hardly ever just about. 

Jabb. He and Mr. Wise are very good friends, I take it ? 

Stub. The best in the world. The boss is his guardeen 
until lie comes of age. Mr. Bennington's uncle cashes in last 
month and leaves him a bushel of money. 

Jabb. Yes, yes, I know all about that. 

Stub, Pretty soft for Mr, Bennington, ain't it? 



A COUPLE OF MILLION II 

Jabb {puzzled). Soft? 

Stub. Sure. Easy money, you know. Gee, I wish't the 
old gent had 'a' been my uncle. And maybe Mr. Bennington 
ain't tickled? He's as happy as a sixty-year old chicken 
hunter at three p. m. on the sunny side of Broadway where the 
chicks are as thick as fleas. Mr. Bennington is some boy, 
he is ! 

Jabb. A boy ? I thought he was a young man. He will 
be twenty-one a week from to-morrow. 

Stub. Oh, he's a man all right. " Some " man ! And 
he's some boy, too. 

Jabb. His uncle was Mr. Silas P. Chizzleton. My dear 
old friend, Silas P. Chizzleton. (Takes out handkerchief and 
wipes eyes.) He was a good man, a wonderfully good man, 
and he died just a month ago to-day. (Sniffs and wipes eyes.) 

Stub, (to the audience). Get onto the human water-wagon. 

Jabb. Poor old Mr. Chizzleton. He was a good man and 
it will be long before we see his like again. (Shakes head 
mournfully.) It's the way of the world. Here to-day and 
gone to-morrow. Poor old Mr. Chizzleton. 

Stub, (to audience). Somebody go and turn off the faucet. 
The sink's leaking. 

Jabb. My emotions are so easily aroused. He was my 
friend, and I have a sympathetic nature. ( Wipes eyes.) 

Enter Gen. from r. She crosses to her desk at L. and works 
on her note-book. 

Gen. Mr. Wise is at liberty now, James. 
Stub, (going up to Jabb). What'd y' say yer name was ? 
Jabb. Professor Noah Jabb of Opaloopa, Alabama. 
Stub. I got y'. (Mumbles.) 'Fessor Noah Blabb, Loop- 
de-loopa, Banana. [Exits at R. 

(Jabb resumes his seat up r. Enter Bemis Bennington 
from L. He enters jauntily and is whistling. He comes 
down c. and addresses Gen.) 

Bemis. Good-morning, little bunch of violets. How doth 
my Lady Genevieve this bright and blithesome morning? 

Gen. (skittishly). Aw, quit yer kiddin', Mr. Bennington. 
There's others present here beside ourselves. Ain't it hot this 
morning ? 

Bemis (airily). Rather warm, rather warm.- Boss down 
yet? 



12 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Gen. Yes, sir. Mr. Wise is in his private office. This 
gen'leman is waiting to see him-. (Smites at Bemis. ) Take a 
seat, Mr. Bennington ; it don't cost no more. 

Bemis (sitting at desk down r. facing Gen.). Thanks, I 
believe I will. 

Enter Wise from r. followed by Stub. 

Wise (meeting Jabb up r. and shaking hands with him). 
Good-morning, professor. I hope I haven't kept you waiting 
long. 

Jabb. Not at all, not at all. 

Wise (coming to Bemis who rises). Hello, Bemis {pro- 
nounce the name with the short sound of the "e"), my boy. 
Professor, this is Mr. Bennington. Bemis, this is Professor 
Jabb of Opaloopa, a very old friend of your uncle. 

(Stands R. c. between Bemis and Jabb.) 

Jabb. Yes, indeed. Poor old Mr. Chizzleton. Just a 
month ago to-day. 1 can hardly realize it. ( Wipes eyes.) 
You must excuse me, I am filled with emotion. Poor old Mr. 
Chizzleton. 

Bemis. Yes, awfully sad, wasn't it? I never saw my uncle 
in my life, but it was quite a blow just the same. Poor old 
uncle. 

Jabb. Poor old Mr. Chizzleton ! You bear quite a strong 
resemblance to him, young man. He was a wonderful man, 
Mr. Bennington, a wonderful man. The estate is estimated at 
over two million, I believe. 

Stub, (at rear l. c, imitating the tone of Jabb). Poor old 
Mr. Chizzleton ! ( Wipes his eyes.) 

Wise (reprovingly). James ! 

(Goes to him and talks in pantomime.) 

Jabb (at c, wiping his eyes). But he has gone to a better 
land. He has gone to a better land. 

Bemis (mopping brow). Hotter'n blazes, ain't it? 

Jabb. Sir ? 

Bemis. The weather, I mean. Awful hot this morning. 

Jabb (turning to Wise who comes down L. c. ). We are to 
learn the contents of the will this morning, I take it, Mr. Wise? 

Wise. Yes. Stubby, go into the outer office and see that 
no one interrupts us. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 13 

Stub. Yes, sir, I'm on. \_Exils l. 

Wise. Miss McGully, you can finish your work in my 
private office. 

Gen. Yes, sir. [Exits R. with note-book. 

Wise (crossing to desk r., opens small drawer of desk and 
takes out a document). Here is the will. 

Jabb (crossing to desk at L., sits). Ah ! 

(Rubs hands together, smiles, cocks head on one side.) 

Bemis (drawing chair to c. and sitting). Shoot ahead. 
We're all ready. 

Jabb (l.). Yes, let us hear how dear old Mr. Chizzleton 
has disposed of his property. 

Wise (seated at desk r., putting on spectacles). The will is 
very brief, but perfectly legal, gentlemen, perfectly legal. I 
drew it up myself. (Swings around in chair, facing L.) The 
estate amounts to over two million dollars. 

Jabb (eagerly). As much as that? (Wipes eyes.) Poor 
old Mr. Chizzleton ! 

Wise. I thought you might be interested, professor, so I 
asked you to call this morning. It was fortunate that you were 
in New York. 

Jabb. Indeed it was. I seldom leave Alabama, but since 
I've been working in the interest of our college, I have had to 
travel somewhat extensively. We are returning to Opaloopa 
this afternoon. 

Wise. We? 

Jabb. Yes. I am escorting two estimable ladies from my 
home town, sir. They are doing some summer shopping here 
in New York. I believe you have the honor of their acquaint- 
ance, Mr. Wise. Mistress Courtenay and Miss Fairbanks. 

Wise. Yes, indeed. I had the pleasure of meeting them 
when I visited Mr. Chizzleton in Opaloopa last winter. Charm- 
ing ladies, sir, charming. I trust I shall have an opportunity 
of seeing them before they leave New York. . 

Jabb. Yes, for they intend to stop for me here this morning. 

Wise (putting on coat, arranging tie, etc., posing in front of 
the mirror, then coming down r.). Bemis, my boy, that will 
be a treat for you. A charming rosebud and a full blown rose, 
fresh from the sun and dew of old Alabama. 

Bemis (to audience). Me for the sun and dew of old Ala- 
bama. 

Jabb (impatiently). But the will, Mr. Wise, the will. 



14 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Wise (resuming his seat at the desk). Ah, yes, of course. 
A short time before his Geath Mr. Chizzleton disposed of alL 
his houses, stocks and bonds and all oilier property, and con- 
verted everything into ready money. 

Jabb (seated at l. ). Very sensible. Your late uncle was a 
very sensible man, Mr. Bennington. Ah, me ! (Wipes eyes.) 
We're here to-day and gone to-morrow. 

Wise. The money was placed in the Ninth National Bank 
and amounts to exactly [looking at the will) two million, three 
thousand, two hundred and ninety dollars. 

Jabb {eagerly). My, my ! (Rubs his hands together.) 
Quite a tidy little fortune. Two million, three thousand, two 
hundred and ninety dollars. He was such a persevering 
gentleman. We shall not soon look upon his like again. 

(Wipes eyes.) 

Wise. According to this, his last will and testament, every 
cent goes to his dearly beloved nephew, Bemis Bennington. 

Jabb (aghast). What! 

Wise. Every cent is left to Mr. Bennington. 

Jabb. Every cent to Mr. Bennington? 

Bemis. A couple of million dollars to me? To me ? 

Wise (smiling). To you. 

Bemis. Excuse me, 1 feel thirsty. (Goes np to cooler and 
drinks three glasses of water in quick succession, the others 
looking at him.) I feel better now. (Resumes his seat.) A 
couple of million ? Gee, how '11 I ever be able to spend that 
much ? 

Wise (importantly). Just a moment. There is a codicil 
to the will. 

t P p > (together). A codicil ? 

Bemis (c). What's a codicil? 

Wise (at r.). A condition. 

Bemis (comically). Good-night ! I knew there must be a 
condition. A couple of million seemed too good to be true. 

Jabb (rubbing hands together and speaking rapidly). Well, 
what is it? What is it? What is the codicil? Goon and 
let us know what the condition is. What is it? (l.) 

Wise (reading the will). First you must move to a town 
of less than five thousand inhabitants and reside in said town 
for the period of one year. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 1 5 

Bemis. That's easy. When can 1 get the first train out to 
■? {Insert name of some near-by town.') 



Jabb. Is that all the condition? Go on and read the rest 
of the codicil. 

Wise (reading). Secondly, you must marry within six 
mouths from the time this will is read. 

Jabb (delightedly). Ah, ha ! Thai's not so easy. 

Bemis. Gimme my hat. 

Wise. What for? 

Bemis. Going out to find a bride. That's dead easy. 

Especially here in . (Insert name of town where play 

is held.) The woods are full of 'em. 

Wise (seriously). Thirdly 

Bemis {ate, interrupting). Oh, there's a thirdly, is there? 
These codicils get more interesting as they go along. 

Wise (reading). Thirdly, during your stay in the town 
mentioned in Codicil Number One, you must by your own 
efforts accumulate five thousand dollars, without one cent of 
this fortune to start on. 

Jabb (rubbing his hands delightedly). Ah, ha ! Accumu- 
late five thousand dollars in one year in a town of less than 
five thousand inhabitants. It can't be done. 

Bemis. I'm afraid it can't. That's the codicil that scratches 
the race, it's the worst one of all. Are there any more, Mr. 
Wise? Would he like me to commit murder or become the 
president of the Standard Oil Company, or any little thing like 
that? 

Wise. No, there are only three codicils attached to the 
document. 

Bemis. Thank Heaven, Uncle Silas passed peacefully away 
before he thought of anything else. 

Wise (reading). In case these conditions are obeyed to the 
satisfaction of my executor, the Honorable Jeremy Wise, he 
will be instructed to turn over my entire fortune to the said 
Bemis Bennington. 

Jabb (sarcastically). You are indeed a fortunate young 
man, sir. A couple of million dollars are yours if you fulfil the 
conditions. 

Bemis. Yes, if I do. 

Jabb (to Wise). But where do I come in, Mr. Wise ? 
Surely you have not asked me to come here to listen to the will 
and the codicils? Something seems to tell me that my dear 
old friend, Mr, Chizgleton, has not entirely foigotten me. 



l6 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Wise. Here is where you come in. (Reads.') In case my 
nephew, the said Bemis Bennington, does not fulfil the above 
specified conditions to the satisfaction of said Jeremy Wise, my 
entire fortune is to revert to my old friend and associate, Pro- 
fessor Noah Jabb of Opaloopa, Alabama. And it is understood 
that he is to use one million dollars of said estate in an effort to 
persuade young and susceptible men to attend his college and 
seminary at Opaloopa. 

Jabb {rubbing his hands gleefully). How generous ! How 
very, very generous. Dear old Mr. Chizzleton ! My, my, 
what a lot of good I can accomplish with a couple of million. 
I'll build a vivisecting laboratory, and I'll visit the harems of 
Turkey every other year. {Hastily.) In the interest of social 
advancement, gentlemen, in the interest of social advancement. 

Bemis. Hold on, professor; you are forgetting all about 
little Bemis. {Pronounce the name tvith short "*.") 

Jabb {meeting Bkmis at L. c). To be quite frank with you, 
young man, I don't think you can ever fulfil the conditions of 
your uncle's will. He never expected you to do so. Earn 
five thousand dollars in one year in a town of less than five 
thousand inhabitants ! Preposterous ! That was just a little 
joke of your late uncle. 

Bemis {seriously). It may have been a little joke, Pro- 
fessor Jabb, but I'm something of a little joker myself. And 
in this case the last little joker is going to take the trick. 

Wise {shaking hands with Bemis). That's right, my boy, 
that shows the proper spirit. Remember a man is never out of 
the fight until the referee counts ten. Go in and win. 

Jabb {taking small note-book from pocket). Perhaps, my 
dear Mr. Wise, you'd like to make a small contribution to my 
seminary. You saw the work we were doing when you were in 
Alabama last winter? 

Wise. Not me. It's too hot to make a contribution to-day. 

Jabb. Perhaps you would contribute a little something for 
our orphan asylum? 

Wise. I might contribute a little boy or two. How would 
that do? 

Jabb. 1 must show you the prospectus of our seminary. 
And the catalogue. It contains views that will interest you, 
I'm sure. I have several copies at my hotel. I'll go over and 
get them. And then if you care to make a little contribu- 
tion 

Wise. But it's too hot to make 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 1 7 

Jabb. Oh, no trouble at all. I'll be back in ten minutes. 
The ladies are to meet me here. In case they come please tell 
them that I will return immediately. (Gets hat from rack.) 

Wise. But really, professor, there isn't any use in 

Jabb. It's a pleasure, I'm sure. I'll return in ten minutes. 
You simply must see our catalogue and prospectus. (Crosses 
to door L.) No trouble at all. No trouble at all. \_Exits L. 

Wise. Well, what do you think of that ? 

Bemis (a). I'm too excited to think. Five minutes ago I 
thought I was a millionaire. But those codicils queered the 
whole business. 

Wise. Maybe it won't be as difficult as you think. And 
what a reward ! A couple of million. Just think of that. 

Bemis. And just think of those codicils. 

Wise. First you must get married. 

Bemis. Oh, I'm not worrying about that at all. 

Wise. Then you have some one in mind ? 

Bemis. No one in particular. 

Wise. Then you're not in love ? 

Bemis. I don't think so. I still eat three meals every day 
and am able to look the full moon square in the face without a 
single sigh. 

Wise. Have you ever been in love? 

Bemis. I forget. You see I've been at college for the past 
six years and college love is like a glass of water. Once you've 
tasted something stronger you forget such a thing ever existed. 
(Enter Gen. from r. She crosses to her desk at L. Bemis, 
c, to Wise.) Do you know of any respectable town of less 
than five thousand inhabitants in this vicinity? 

Wise. Oh, that part will be easy. The first thing to do is 
for you to find a wife. 

Gen. (involuntarily'). Good Heavings ! 

(She collects herself and types rapidly.) 

Wise. Did you say something, Miss McGully ? 
Gen. No, sir. I was just reading my notes. 

(Types rapidly.) 

Wise Jcoming to Bemis). Have you ever seen Miss Fair- 
banks, Bemis ? 

Bemis. Don't recall the name. 

(Gen, listens.) 



18 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Wise. She's the girl from Alabama who is here with Pro- 
fessor Jabb. Some girl, Bemis. They say she is the belle of 
the whole state. She's a blonde with eyes like deep blue 
violets. 

Bemis. Her address, please. 

Wise. Didn't you hear him say that she would be here 
presently? Stick around a while. Maybe you can get mar- 
ried before she goes back to Alabama this afternoon. 

Bemis {hopefully}. Maybe 1 can. Blonde, is she ? 

Wise. Perfect. 

Bemis. I'm partial to blondes. My favorite dessert. 

Wise. I may not be a judge, but in my opinion she's about 
the prettiest little lady I've seen in a coon's age. I went down 
to visit your uncle last winter, and the whole town seemed to 
be crazy about Miss Fairbanks. And when 1 saw her, well 

{Pauses.') 
Bemis. Yes? 

(Gen. works on note-book through this scene.) 

Wise. I agreed with the town. 

Bemis. But how about earning that five thousand in a year? 

Wise. Come into my private office and we'll talk it over. 

[Exits R. 

Bemis {crossing down to l. c). Say, Miss McGully, I 
want to ask you a question. 

Gen. {starting). Heavings, how you started me. {Pause.) 
Yes, Mr. Bennington ? {Looks up at him archly.) 

Bemis. Do you believe in such a thing as love at first sight ? 

Gen. {dramatically). Do 1 ? 1 do. 1 believe in the work- 
ing of human destiny. 

Bemis. I saw a girl at the hotel to-day. I don't know who 
she is. She was a blonde. Do you think she could fall in love 
at first sight? {Rattled.) Do you think I could fall in love? 
Do you think that she — that I — I mean, that we — I mean — 
hanged if I know what I do mean. 

Gen. I know what you mean, Mr. Bennington. It is as 
clear to me as is the little babbling brook. You are in love. 

Bemis. No, I don't think I am. Not that bad — '— 

Gen. {positively). You are in love. I know its every 
symptom. 

Bemis, And do you think a girl could care for me ? A 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 10, 

wonderful girl, I mean. A goddess. Would such a thing be 
possible ? 

Gen. If it's me you mean, I'm sorry to have to say that 
I am compelled by the workings of a cruel fate to blight your 
hopes at the very outset. I fain would not be cruel to you, Mr. 
Bennington (Bemis is slightly amused), but another has won 
my maiden heart and affections. I would not wound you 
lightly, but alas 1 am engaged. 

Bemis. And did you fall in love at first sight ? Did it come 
to you all of a sudden ? 

Gen. It did. He's a chauffeur. He run over my step- 
mother one night and brung her home. I admitted him. The 
next day we was engaged. 

(Wise appears at door r.) 

Wise. Bemis, come here. I've thought of a plan. 

[Exits R. 
Bemis. All right, I'm on. Excuse me, Genevieve. 

[Exits R. 

Gen. (gazing dreamily at the audience). And him, too. 

Ain't it fierce? But such is the workings of a cruel fate. Now 

maybe he'll die of a broken heart, er just pine himself away. 

Ah, me ! (Poses.) 

Enter Stub, from l. 

Stub. Say, there's a couple o' dames out here that say 
they're lookin' fer some guy named Jabb. I guess they mean 
the party from Loop-de-loopa, Banana. Shall I tell the boss? 

Gen. Mr. Wise is engaged just now with Mr. Bennington. 

Stub, (at a). Say, I'm goin' to strike the boss for a raise 
in me pay this afternoon. 

Gen. {sarcastically). And you'll get it. I don't think. 

Stub. If I don't I'm goin' to tie a can on the job, that's 
what. I'm sick of this town anyway. I want to travel and see 
the country. There's a kid down on the thirteenth floor who's 
been all the way to New Joisey. 

Gen. What 'ud your folks say ? 

Stub. Me folks? I ain't got no folks. I'm de head of my 
fambly and likewise the foot. I live in a boardin' house. 

Gen. Well, take it from me, you'd better hold on to your 
job while the holdin' is good. There ain't nothin' to these 
other towns, kid. New York is the only place that's marked 
on my map, see ! 



20 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Stub. What's the boss chinning with Mr. Bennington 
about ? 

Gen. {importantly). He's tryin' to find him a wife. 

Stub, {doubtingly). Since when has he been whisperin' that 
in your receiver? 

Gen. {loftily). He don't have to. I got a woman's keen 
intuition, and I can read the heart where love holds sway like 
a open book. 

Stub, {laughing). Oh, mumma, pass the mush ! 

Gen. You sneer 'cause you ain't never felt the tender pash. 
Ain't there nothin' that ever stirs your inmost being? 

Stub. Sure, they is. It gits stirred when 1 see 

{naming baseball star) get busy, when there's three on base. 

Enter Wise from r. 

Wise {drinking at cooler). Whew, it's hot ! 

Stub. (r.). There's a couple of dames in the outer office 
waitin' fer Mr. Jabb from Loop-de-loopa, Banana. 

Wise {very enthusiastically). Ah, ha, she's here. I'll send 
Bemis out to look her over. She's pretty, isn't she, Stubby ? 

Stub, {unmoved). Pretty fair, pretty fair. Kind of a 
sawed-off little chicken though. 

Wise. He doesn't know a good-looking girl when he sees 
one, does he, Miss McGully? 

Gen. {jvith great contempt). Him? He ain't got out o' 
knee trousers yet ! 

Wise {averting a storm). Show the ladies in here, Stubby. 

[Exits R. 

Stub, {crossing to door l., and speaking off sta«e). The 
boss says for youse to come in here. Piofessor'll be back 
directly. 

Enter Mrs. Clarice Courtenay from l. , followed by F ay 
Fairbanks. Mrs. C. comes down r. Fay stands up 
near door l. Stub, at rear c. Gen. down L. at desk. 

Mrs. C. Are we to wait in here, little boy ? 
Stub, {looking all around stage to see whom she is address- 
trig). "Little boy"? 

Gen. {to Stub., guying him). Little boy ! 

{Laughs at him.) 

Stub, {dotvn l. c, to Gen.). That rings their bell. Young 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 21 

man, or boy, yes ! But " little boy " ! And right to me very 
face. And 1 shave oncet every two weeks. 

Mrs. C. Is Mr. Wise engaged ? (Smiles S70eelly at Stub.) 

Stub, (frowning and speaking majestically}. I know noth- 
ing whatsomever about his love affairs, madam. 

Mrs. C. I mean has he a business engagement? 

Stub. Oh, yes. He's just full of them things. 

Mus. C. (sitting at desk at u.). Fay, I think I'll buy that 
little silver vanity case I was admiring down in the lobby. 
Won't you get it for me? I'll wait here. That elevator fairly 
took my breath away. 

Fay. Why, certainly, Aunt Clarice. Do you want the 
sterling silver kind ? 

Mrs. C. Yes. The twelve dollar one. 

Fay. Yes, auntie. I'll be right back. [Exits L. 

Stub, (handing Mrs. C. the sporting page). Here, take a 
peep at the sporting page while you're waiting. The Giants is 
playing some ball. Or maybe you're fanning for the Hilltops. 

Mrs. C. Did you say that Mr. Wise was busy ? 

Stub. Yes ; he's chinning with a guy in there. 

Mrs. C. (annoyed). Did you tell him that Mistress Clarice 
Courtenay of Opaloopa, Alabama, was here ? 

Stub. Yes, ma'am, every word. (Points to paper.) Say, 
that guy Tinker is some hot tamale, I guess yes. 

Gen. (crossing to Mrs. C. as Stub, goes to rear a). Per- 
haps you don't care for sports. Here is the front page. All 
about poor Blinky Huggs. He's got to go to the chair. (Bell 
rings off stage at r. ) Stubby, there's your bell. Mr. Wise 
wants you. 

Stub, (rising slowly from chair at rear). Gee, nothin' to 
do but work. [Exits R. 

Gen. That boy gets lazier every day he lives. Honest, 
he's so lazy that he hates to draw his breath. 

Enter Stub, from r. 

Stub, (grandly). Miss McGully, the private office fer 
yours. Bring your note-book. [Exits R. 

Gen. (loftily). Oh, very well. [Exits r. with note-hook. 

Mrs. C. I wonder why Fay doesn't come back. I hope 
there hasn't been an accident in the elevator. (Looks at 
watch.) Eleven o'clock, and the professor not here yet. I 
sure hope we don't miss the train ; I'm so anxious to get back 
to Opaloopa this week. 



22 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

( Opens paper, full page, and reads.') 

Enter Bemis from R. He comes down c. , arranging collar. 
He does not see Mrs. C, as she holds the paper between 
them. 

Bemis. The belle of Alabama, eh ? A perfect blonde with 
violet eyes ! Bemis, my boy, here is your chance to fulfil one 
of uncle's codicils. {Looks at Mrs. C. but cannot see her 
face.) Pretty neat, pretty neat. These Dixie girls are perfect 
dreams. {Coughs slightly.) Hem! I beg your pardon. 

Mrs. C. {sweetly). I am waiting for Professor Jabb. 

{Drops the paper.) 

Bemis {looking at her, showing surprise in his face). Jump- 
ing Jupiter ! 

Mrs. C. {sweetly). Sir? 

Bemis {rattled). I beg your pardon. I was expecting 
some one else. A lady from Opaloopa, Alabama. Blonde, 
you know, with violet eyes. My mistake, I assure you. 

Mrs. C. {risi?ig and taking one step toward him). I am 
from Opaloopa. 

Bemis {astounded). You are! {To audience.) Mr. Wise 
must have been drinking too much city water. He needs to 
have his eyesight examined. 

Mrs. C. You have a message for me? 

Bemis. Yes. From Professor Jabb. He has gone over to 
the hotel for a catalogue of his college. He told me to tell you 
that he would return in ten minutes. That's all. 

{Starts to exit, r.) 

Mrs. C. {crossing to L. c. and speaking coyly). Are you 
in such a hurry ? 

Bemis (r. a). Yes. In an awful hurry. Awfully im- 
portant case, you know. Mr. Wise is trying to find me a vic- 
tim. I'm a doomed man. He needs me for consultation. 
Good-morning. So glad I met you. 

Mrs. C. So you are a friend of Professor Jabb ? 

Bemis. Well, not exactly, only an acquaintance. Good- 
morning. I hope you have a pleasant journey. You're leav- 
ing this afternoon, I believe ? 

Mus. C. Yes, and it's such a long, lonesome trip. We 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 23 

all '11 certainly miss New York when we get back home. It's 
such a bustling city. It sure is. 

Bemis. Yes, so it is. But I think I hear Mr. Wise calling 
for me. Awfully important case, you know. Good-morning. 

[Exits at k. 

Mrs. C. Good-morning. (To audience.) What a pleasant 
.young man. These New Yorkers sure are delightful. So 
chivalrous and thoughtful. (Looks at watch.) 1 wonder what 
can be keeping the professor. And Fay has been gone long 
enough to purchase a dozen vanity cases. I reckon I'd better 
go down in the lobby and search for her. [Exits l. 

Enter Gen. from R. She crosses to hat-rack and puts on her 
hat, powders her nose, etc. Makes faces in the glass as 
she primps and poses. Take plenty of time for this busi- 
ness. Enter Stub, from r. He stands at R. and watches 
her. She is at rear l. 

Stub, (after a pause). Say, where d' y' think yer goin' ? 
Out to take lunch witli J. Pierpont Astorbilt, er down to the 
Dairy where each one grabs fer himself at a nickel a grab? 

Gen. (up l.). I guess you got your raise in salary — (paus- 
ing) not ! 

Stub. That's how I got it, not ! Say, you wanter be back 
here in an hour, er the boss is liable to forget that you got any 
salary coming to you at all. 

Gen. Humph ! (Flounces to door at L., then turns.) 
You may be sweet sixteen, little boy, but you ajn't cut your 
wisdom teeth yet and you still belong in the infant class. Get 
me? The infant class ! [Exits L. 

Stub. Gee, she's a fresh skirt. All 'a time slingin' it into 
me. 

Enter Wise from R. followed by BemiS. 

Wise (up u. a). Well, if you weren't captivated by her 
all I can say is that you don't know a pretty girl when you see 
one. (Moves to hat- rack.) 

Bemis (down r. a). How old is this Alabama blossom, 
Mr. Wise? 

Wise. Not a day over nineteen, not a day. 

Bemis (astounded). Nineteen ! You mean forty-nine. 

Wise. Nonsense. It affects your eyesight to get up in the 
morning. You don't see clearly until afternoon. But get your 
hat and we'll go to lunch. 



24 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Bemis. Thank.you, but I think I'll wait here. I want to 
study the railroad time-tables in the paper. I think I'll pull 
out to my little town of less than five thousand to-night. The 
early bird makes hay while the sun shines. 

Wise {putting on hat, etc.*). Well, good luck to you. Will 
you be here when I get back ? 

Bemis. Sure. Don't hurry. 

Wise. I won't. It's too hot to hurry. Be back at one. 

[Exits L. 

Bemis (a). Stubby, how would you like to leave New 
York? 

Stub, (down R., speaking eagerly). Finest thing in the 
world. 1 was just tellin' the stenog that I was getting dead 
warped on this burg. I'd like to go out where they have 
mountains. 

Bemis. That's not a bad idea. I believe I would too. 
Some place out in Colorado where it's nice and cool. 

Stub. Colorado? Is that in New Jersey ? 

Bemis. No, it's a couple of miles west of New Jersey. Say, 
Stubby, if you want to go with me I'll stake you for a ticket. 

Stub. You will? Honest? 

Bemis. You bet I will. 

Stub. I got you. I'll pack me other shirt and be ready in 
six minutes. 

Bemis. Give me the morning paper. I'll go into the private 
office and map out a route. {Takes newspaper and crosses to 
R.) Don't let any one in, especially that dame from Alabama. 

Stub. She's comin' back. What'll I tell her? 

Bemis. Tell her that Mr. Wise is busy. Tell her he's busy 
with a desperate criminal. Tell her he's talking to Blink y 
Huggs, the wife murderer. Tell her anything, only keep her 
away from me. From the way she acted I think she wants lo 
kidnap me and take me back to Opaloopa. 

Stub. All right, I'm wise. Nothing doing for the lady 
from Loop-de-loopa. 

Bemis. We'll hit out this afternoon. Then it's good-bye lo 
little old New York and ho for the mountains of Colorado ! 

[Exits r. 

Stub, (looking after him). How for the mountains ? Hoe? 
Gee, I wonder if he wants me to be a farmer. Nothing do- 
ing in the hoe line, (l.) 

Enter Fay from L. She comes down c, 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 25 

Fay {looking around). Where is Mrs. Courtenay ? 

Stub. I think she has just stepped out. 

Fay. Will Professor Jabb return soon ? 

Stub. He said in about ten minutes. 

Fay. Tell Mr. Wise 1 want to speak to him. Miss Fair- 
banks from Opaloopa. We are old friends. 

Stub, (to audience). The lady from Loop-de-loopa. I got 
to keep her out. (To Fay.) Mr. Wise has gone out to lunch. 

Fay. Isn't there some one in his private office? 

Stub, (rattled). No — er — yes, there's a guy in there. 

Fay. Is it Professor Jabb? 

Stub. Na\v, it ain't the professor. It's a crook. 

Fay. A crook ? Do you mean a criminal ? 

Stub. Yep, that's what they call 'em in New Jersey. 

Fay. But what is he doing here? 

Stub. Well, you see, Mr. Wise is his lawyer. 

Fay (eagerly). Sure enough ? Oh, I wonder if I can see 
him. I've never seen a crook. 

Stub, (positively). Nothing doing. This is a awful bad 
crook. 1 wouldn't darst to let you see him. It's Blinky 
Huggs, the wife murderer. 

Fay (greatly surprised). Blinky Huggs? 

Stub, (positively). Yes, ma'am, it's Blinky Huggs hisself. 

Fay. Oh, I sure must see him. I've read all about his 
trial in the papers. I want to tell all the girls in Opaloopa 
that I've seen the notorious Blinky Huggs. His pictures are 
real good-looking, and to think he's to be executed in October. 
Just let me peep a moment. Please. 

Stub. It can't be did. He's very particular about who 
sees him. The sheriff is waitin' outside fer him. He brought 
him over here to bid good-bye to Mr. Wise. You see Mr. 
Wise was his lawyer. 

Fay. And still he was pronounced guilty. The poor young 
roan ! (Sits at r.) 

Enter Bemis f/om R. He comes to C, not seeing Fay. 

Bemis. Say, Stubby, go over to my hotel, the Atlantic, and 
tell my man to pack my steamer trunk at once and the two 
grips. Bring the grips back with you. We'll catch the Frisco 
limited at two ten. 

Stub. All right, sir. Do you mean it, Mr. Bennington? 
Are you going to take me along? Honest? 

Bemis. You bet I am. Come, hurry up. 



26 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Stub, (Joyfully). Yes, sir, I'm off like a sky rocket. 
{Grabs hat and runs out at L.) 

Fay (tuJio has been reading paper during preceding sceni, 
now rises and meets Bemis at c). I beg your pardon, sir. 
(Bemis turns and looks at her for the first time.) But will 
you allow a total stranger to tell you how extremely sorry she 
is for you? {Extends hand.} You have my deepest sym- 
pathy. 

Bemis {very much puzzled, takes her hand}. I have ? Oh, 
thank you. Very kind, I'm sure. 

Fay. 1 know all about your case. 

Bemis. You do? Some case, isn't it? 

Fay. Your lawyer, Mr. Wise, is quite a friend of mine. 
I'm so sorry for you. I believe in you, sir. 1 am sure that 
you are more sinned against than sinning. 

Bemis {puzzled}. Thank you. That's just what I think 
myself. It was all the fault of Uncle Silas. Those codicils 
just about finished me. 

Fay {perfectly serious}. No matter what others may say I 
believe in your innocence implicitly. (Slight pause ; he looks 
at her.} You are innocent, aren't you? 

Bemis. Innocent? {Slight pause, then speak with a pro- 
nounced drawl on the "oh."} Oh, yes! Yes, indeed, I'm 
innocent. I'm awfully innocent. 

Fay. And now it's too late. There is no hope. I suppose 
that Mr. Wise couldn't change it at all. 

Bemis. No, I'm afraid not. I'll have to take my medicine. 
Mr. Wise couldn't change the codicils. I'm in for it; I'm a 
doomed man. 

Fay. How terrible ! Then there is no hope ? (Shudders.) 
Oh, I can't think about it. It's too dreadful. And you are 
so young and full of life. But you'll be brave, won't you? 
You'll meet your fate like a man — like a hero. 

Bemis (bravely}. I will. Like a man, like a hero. 

Fay (coming closer to him and speaking in half whisper}. 
Why don't you try to escape ? 

Bemis. Escape ? 

Fay (excitedly}. Yes ! Here ! Now ! That window. 

Bemis. This is the sixteenth floor. 

Fay. True, I had forgotien. But couldn't you slip down 
the stairs and evade the police ? 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 27 

Bemis. That wouldn't be honorable. You see it's all down 
in black and white. I guess it's up to me to do as the judge 
says. 

Fay. The evidence all seemed against you, but I cannot 
look at you and believe that you are guilty of murder. 

Bemis (rattled). Murder? I 

Fay {interrupting). I am only a girl, and yet I seem to 
know intuitively that you are innocent. You did not kill your 
wife, did you? 

Bemis. Kill my wife? No, not yet. I mean, of course 
not. I didn't kill any one. 

Fay {triumphantly). I knew it. I knew it. Oh, if I 
could only do something for you. Couldn't I take a message 
to some of your friends? 

Bemis. I'm afraid not. 

Fay. Are there no interested persons who might make an 
appeal for you ? 

Bemis. None. 

Fay. No relatives ? No one ? 

Bemis {seriously). No one. 

Fay. Not even a mother ? 

Bemis. No. 

Fay {sadly). Then there is no one to bid you a last fare- 
well, no one to kiss you good-bye for the last time, no one to 
tell you that she believes in you, believes you are innocent, 
though all the world may deem you guilty. 

Bemis {tearfully). No one. 

Fay {taking his two hands). Be brave. And when the 
time comes for your electrocution, think of me far away in 
Opaloopa. Think of me as one who believes in you, as one 
who is firmly convinced that a guiltless man is being unright- 
eously punished. 

Bemis {holding her hands and speaking seriously). I will. 
I will. 

Fay. You may kiss me farewell. Just once. On the fore- 
head. 

Bemis {gravely kissing her. Slight pause). I thank you. 

Fay {shaking his hand). And now we must part. Take 
courage and be brave. See how brave I am. {Tearfully.) 
Why, I'm not even crying. Oh, it must be a dreadful thing 
to be electrocuted. 

Bemis. Yes, it must be. 

Fay. Especially when you know that you are innocent. 



28 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Here, take this little ring. {Draws ring from her finger.) It 
was my mother's. I have always worn it. Take it, and re- 
member that way off in Alabama there is a girl who believes 
that you are giving your life away for another's crime. 

Bemis. Oh, I can't take your ring. 

Fay. You must. Just to remember this meeting. 

{He takes it.) 

Bemis. I shall never forget this meeting. But mayn't I see 
you again ? 

Fay. No, I leave for Opaloopa this evening. 

Bemis {suddenly and loudly). Say ! 

Fay. Yes ? 

Bemis. Is Opaloopa a town of less than five thousand ? 

Fay {surprised). Why, yes. It is less than two thousand. 

Bemis. Then it is possible that I'll see you again some 
time. 

Fay {seriously). In heaven ? 

Bemis. No, in Opaloopa. I'm more liable to get there. 

Fay. Oh, is there really any hope ? I thought you said 
that you were a doomed man ? 

Bemis {slowly smiling). I thought 1 was. But one can 
never tell what may happen. 

Fay. Good-bye. {Gives him her hand.) 

Bemis {holding her hand and speaking seriously). Good- 
bye, and I shall always think of you and thank you, while I 
live. 

Enter Mrs. C. from l. She comes down r. 

Mrs. C. (r.). Fay, come at once. We have only twenty 
minutes to get to the station. 

Fay (a). Yes, Aunt Clarice, I'm coming. {Turns to 
Bemis.) This is 

Mrs. C. {interrupting). At once. Here is your grip. 

Enter J abb from l. * 

Jabb {up a). Is she here ? Come, we must leave at once. 
The taxi is at the door. 

Fay {to Bemis, who is l. a). Good-bye, and be brave, for 
my sake ! [Exits L. 

Mrs. C. {to Jabb). Take this grip. Oh, hurry, Noah. 
We mustn't be late. We mustn't miss that train. 

[Exits L., hurriedly, followed by Jabb, 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 20, 

Bemis {who has stood motionless, looking after Fay). An 
Alabama blossom. {Slowly looks at ring in his hand.) Her 
mother's ring. I'll have to go to Opaloopa to return the 
ring. {Stands motionless.) 



SLOW CURTAIN 
{Second Curtain. Hold same tableau?) 

{Third Curtain. Taken by the seven characters who ap- 
pear in the act.) 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The yard of the court-house in Opaloopa, Alabama. 
The back drop should properly represent a country street of 
a small southern toivn, with rows of locust and magnolia 
trees and a few scattered shops and southern homes. If a 
special drop is not available a pretty landscape may be sub- 
stituted. The entrance to the court-house is at L., the ex- 
terior of the building running from up c. to down L. If 
this part of the scene offers difficulty to amateurs, two laroc 
wooden pillars may simulate the entrance. A tvhite-washed 
rail fence extends from down R. to up R. and across back 
from u. to L. A turn- stile or gate is in this fence at v.., 
about half-way back. Wood wings at R. with natural 
boughs attached and overhanging the stage. Natural tree 
with autumnal foliage up R. in fence corner. Brown floor 
piece dotvn. Old bench down l. with two dilapidated chairs 
near it. Another old bench is down R. Cotton plants out- 
side fence. Time : Mid-afternoon in October. Lights on 
full throughout the act. Bunch lights, yellows, at all en- 
trances. 

(Squire Piper is discovered seated down L. smoking a cob 
pipe and mending an old saddle. Two or three "extra 
men," made up as southern rural types, are sprawling in 
their chairs near him. Pink is asleep in bench down R. 
Curtain rises to song of darky cotton-pickers who enter 
from L. at rear, pass along outside the fence and exit one 
by one at R. i. They balance baskets of cotton on their 
heads and may repass several tunes. After song enter 
Beverly Loman from r. He lounges doivn c.) 

Bev. Evening, boys. 

Others. Evening, sheriff. 

Bev. (a). Say, you-all ain't seen nothing of my big yaller 
houn' dog, have you? He's been missin' since last Tuesday 
and I'm begin nin' to git kinder pestered 'bout him. My 
favorite houn', and he shore is some dog. 

Piper. I ain't seen him sence las' week when we-all went 
coon-huntin'. 

3°. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 3 1 

Bev. I'm kinder uneasy 'bout him. Some of them circus 
folks might 'a' stole him yesterday. 

Piper. Did you look in the pound ? Maybe Nub Tollivei's 
done tooken him up for taxes. 

Bev. I done looked there, Squire. (Crosses to r.) I 
shore set a heap on that houn'. He had more huntin' sense 
than any dog I ever owned. I reckon he's tied up in some 
nigger's cabin by this time. If any o' you-all see him, jes' 
lemme know. 1 wouldn't take a hundred dollars for that 
houn' ; no, sab, not a hundred. (Sits on Pink.) 

Pink (screaming). Help! Help! Oh, lawdy, lawdy, l'se 
smashed. Dat man's done squeezed me to a frazzle, he shore 
has. 

Bev. (looking at her). Well, I'll be dog-goned. Thought 
I'd set on a snake. What you doin' asleep out yere in the 
courtyard, Pink ? 

Pink (trying to get her breath). Nuffin', Mistah Sheriff, 
miffin' a' tall. Lawdy, boss, you jes' 'bout busted me. 

Bev. Here's a jit, Pink. (Tosses her a nickel.) Go over 
and buy out the grocery store. 

Pink. Much obliged, boss. (Looks at it and bites it.) 
Lawdy, he done gimme five cents. (Goes to him and speaks 
confidentially.) Say, boss, you kin set down on me agin if you 
want to. 

Piper. Here you, Pink. 

Pink (crossing to him). Yas, sah ? 

Piper. Take that saddle over to my house and give it to 
Ras. Tell him it's all fitten fer use. 

Pink. Say, Mistah Piper, kin 1 ride you-all's hoss some 
day? I won't hurt him none at all. I seen de lady in de 
circus yesterday ridin' 'round dat ring, standin' on one leg on 
de boss's back. Jes' dataway. (Imitates.) I'd like to try dat 
on you-all's hoss. 

Piper. I don't reckon my wife would stand for no such 
doings. Pink, how come a good Methodist like you taken it 
in your head to go to the circus? 

Pink. I is a Mefodist, Mistah Piper; a Mefodist born and 
a Mefodist bred, but dere hain't no nigger kin be a Mefodist 
on a circus day. No, sah, dat ain't to be 'spected. Kase 
when we hears de circus band, ummm ! (with closed lips) we 
jes' naturally loses all our Mefodism right then. 

Bev. (seated r.). Did you see the ring-tailed rhinoceros, 
Pink ? 



32 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Pink. Yas, sah, I shore did. And de trained mules and 
de clown and dem red white and blue women and men flyin' 
'round on de trapezes. I seen it all, and I neber dreamed dere 
war so many sights dis side ob Ribber Jerdan. But de bestest 
of all was dat hippo- peet-apotamus. Umm, umm ! When he 
open his mouth dat thing like to scared de life right out'n my 
body. 

Piper {laughing). Hippo-peet-apotamus, Pink; what was 
that ? 

Pink. I dunno what it was, boss. I dunno how to 'scribe 
it 'ceptin' it looked for all de world like 'bout 'leben million 
pounds of liver. 

Piper. Well, hurry along with that saddle. 

Pink. I'se goin', l'se goin', but I don't like to be hurried. 

\_Exits R. 

Bev. Say, boys, I just rode over from Water Station this 
morning and what you think ? {Impressively.') They got the 
street-car tracks laid clean down to Ricketl's Mill. Jes' ten 
miles out'n town. 

Piper. This yere town is gittin' too dern citified. I taken 
a walk yesterday morning and run into a circus pee-rade and 
now we're goin' to have inter-ruban street cars. 

Bev. I shore wisht I'd 'a' invested some in that comp'ny. 
I reckon we'll all be ridin' in the street cars come a Christmas. 
They shore are goin' to make a mint o' money. When they 
git the cars goin' right peart we kin ride from yere to Mont- 
gomery in three-four hours. 

Piper. And ye think it's goin' to be a good investment, do 
y', sheriff? 

Bev. I reckon I do. That Bennington boy is shore some 
hustler. Lemme see. He ain't been yere more'n two months, 
has he? 

Piper. He come in July, and this is October. 

Bev. He certainly has done a lot in three months. 

Piper. They tell me he's right hard pushed for money right 
now. Somebody dynamited part of his tracks and he's had 
some trouble with his men. They're goin' to have a meetin' 
of the board of di-rectors to-morrow evening and he's gotta 
raise thirty thousand dollars before that time. 

Bev. I reckon he knows where he kin git it if he wants it. 

Piper (jwdding his head). Mistress Courlenay shore has 
been a liberal invester in that company. She shore has. 

Bev. Do you reckon he aims to marry the widder ? 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 33 
Piper. Ain't no tellin' what he does aim. I've heard tell 



Bev. {looking off r.). Sh ! Here comes Mistress Courte- 
nay now. {Rises. ,) 

Enter Mrs. C. from r., escorted by Jabb, who carries her 
parasol shading her face. 

Mrs. C. {outside gate). Evening, gentlemen. 

All {rising and bowing). Evening, Mistress Courtenay. 

Mrs. C. {co?ning down to Bev., shakes hands with him). 
Why, Beverly Loman ! I haven't seen you for a blue moon. 
How you come on these days ? 

Bev. {doivn r.). Porely, Mistress Courtenay, porely. 

Mrs. C. Seems right strange you don't come up our way 
any more. You used to be a right frequent visitor, too. 
(Piper and Jabb converse at gate, the extra men down L.) I 
hope we-all haven't done anything to offend you, Beverly. 

Bev. No'm, 'tain't nothin' like that at all. I jes' naturally 
don't get no time. I'm a right tolerable busy man. 

Mrs. C. Maybe you can find time after this evening. I 
reckon you won't be so busy when somebody gets home. 

Bev. Is Miss Fay comin' home this evening ? 

Mrs. C. She sure is. I thought you'd be right glad to 
hear it. Beverly, we-all think a powerful sight of you and 
don't like to have you neglect us this-a-way. 

Bev. I won't do so no more, ma'am. Nary a time. I'll 
come up to-morrow evening, if you-all'll let me. Why, I ain't 
seen Miss Fay fo' nearly four months. I ain't even heard from 
her. 

Mrs. C. I'm sure glad she's coming in on the evening train. 
I don't approve of these modern ways of young girls nohow. 
The idea of her going way down to New Orlins {accent on first 
syllable) all by herself, and staying three months with a cousin 
she'd never seen before. An Alabama girl wouldn't have 
thought of such a thing ten years ago. 

Bev. How come her to go clean down to New Orlins? 

Mrs. C. It was one of her whims, I reckon. She made up 
her mind on our homeward trip from New York. She said she 
felt blue and depressed, and wanted to see more of the world. 
She had an invitation from Cousin Mary Lee Patton to come 
down to New Orlins and she decided to accept it. I was worn 
to a frazzle with my trip and I told her right plainly that I 
didn't intend to budge an inch further than Opaloopa, so she 
went on without me. 



34 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Bev. I hope she ain't done got engaged or nothin' like that, 
Mistress Courtenay. <These yere New Orlins men are powerful 
speedy lovers. 

Mrs. C. She's written to me every week, Beverly, and she's 
never mentioned the same man twice. I don't reckon you 
need worry about any New Orlins suitor, Beverly. 

Bev. Sure enough, ma'am, do you think I got any chance 
with Miss Fay? 

Mus. C. I don't see why you haven't, Beverly. Your fam- 
ily is one of the best in Alabama, and you've been elected 
sheriff of this county twice. 

Bev. Yes'm, by the largest majority evah given a candidate 
since '82. I shore am glad to hear you say you think I've got 
a chance. Miss Fay don't never give me no encouragement. 

Mrs. C. Of course she don't. What do you expect? Who 
ever heard of a girl giving a young man encouragement until 
he had declared himself? 

Bev. I certainly am powerfully obliged to you, Mistress 
Courtenay. I feel a heap sight easier than I did. 

Mrs. C. I surely wish you well, Beverly. I came over to 
the court-house to pay my winter taxes. Is Miss Sallie up in 
her office ? 

Bev. Yes'm, she's there. 

Mrs. C. Come, professor. (]abe joins her at c.) Good- 
evening, gentlemen. 

All (raising hats). Evening, Mistress Courtenay. 

(Mrs. C. and Jabb cross to door of house.) 

Mrs. C. (turning at door). Remember the old saying, 
Beverly, Faint heart never won fair lady. We-all'll be right 
glad to see you at any time. [Exit ivith Jabb at l. 

Piper (resuming his seat at l.). Mistress Courtenay cer- 
tainly is a well preserved lady, she shore is. I reckon Mr. 
Bennington don't know that her and I are long about the same 
age. 

Bev. (r.). Yes, and what he don't know ain't goin' to hurt 
him. He's from New York and a New Yorker is supposed to 
know everything. 

Enter Stub, from r., whistling. He comes down C. briskly. 

Stub. Afternoon, men ! 
All. Evening, boy. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 35 

Stub. How's the bright and shining lights of Opaloopa 
this evening? 

Piper. Purty tolerable, purty tolerable. 

Stub. (c. ). Say, have any of youse guys seen the boss to- 
day? 

Bev. What boss? 

Stub. My boss. Mr. Bennington. 

Bev. He's over at Rickett's Mills, 'bout ten miles out o' 
town. Say, son, when is the street cars goin* to begin to run? 

Stub. Give it up. Ask me an easy one. 

Piper. I reckon they'll begin to run when the cows begin 
to rly. {Cackling laugh.') 

Stub. The covvs'll begin to fly when anything runs in 
Opaloopa. 

Bev. {seated r.). It's a wonder you stay in such a place, 
sonny. You seem to think that you are right rapid. 

Stub. (a). Where me boss stays, I stay. 

(Sits on old chair. ,) 

Bev. And what brought you down here, anyway? 

Stub, {extending both feet). Them. 

Piper. Yes, but what we want to know is why did Mr. 
Bennington come here to Opaloopa ? 

Stub. He wanted to bury himself, and this is the best cem- 
etery on earth. 

Piper. Folks say that he's in love with Mistress Courtenay. 

Stub. What ! The old lady with the long bank roll ? 
Naw, take it from me, when me boss falls, he's going to fall for 
an April dawn, not for a November sunset. 

Enter Pink from r., running. She runs down C. 

Pink {out of breath). Oh, Mistah Sheriff, Mistah Piper, 
come quick, dere's a dog fight ovah on de public square. 
'Bout seven million dogs all mixed up together. 

All (rising, excitedly). A dog fight ! 

Bev. Where is it, Pink ? 

Pink. In front ob de pos'-office. Come on. 

(Runs out r., followed by others.) 

Stub. And that's what they call excitement in Opaloopa. 
They'd drop dead of heart disease if they'd ever see the crowd 
on Broadway and 42d Street. (Sits on bench down l.) 



36 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

E. nter Sammie Bell Porter />w« r. She leans over the fence. 

Sam. Good-eveging, Mr. Burns. (Stub, pauses, looks at 
her, grins, turns away bashfully twisting foot. .) I said good- 
evening. 

Stub. Yes, I heard you. Come in, Miss Sammie Bell. 
Ain't nobody here but me. 

Sam. (coming down a). Did you get home from the circus 
all right ? 

Stub. Sure I did. What did y' think? Some one held 
me up and robbed me of my millions? 

Sam. (sitting beside him on bench, he looks at Iter apprehen- 
sively). I certainly had a gorgeous time with you at the circus 
last night, Mr. Burns. 

Stub. Don't mention it, don't mention it, Miss Porter. 

Sam. (bashfully'). You didn't call me that last night in the 
moonlight. (Pause ; she peers up at him.) You called me 
Sammie Bell. 

Stub, (twisting himself bashfully). Aw, now you go on ! 

Sam. That was the first circus I ever saw. Paw says we 
ain't had a circus in Opaloopa before in eighteen years. 

(Moves closer to him ; he edges away.) 

Stub. I tell you Opaloopa is waking up. 

Sam. Was it as good as the circuses you have in New York ? 

Stub. Better. It had the Hippodrome backed way ofF'n 
the sidewalk. 

Sam. You generally say that New York has the best of 
everything. I reckon you think that we-all don't have nothing 
down here as good as in New York. 

Stub. There's one thing you've got a whole lot better. In 
one thing you can give New York deuces wild and win the pot 
every time. 

Sam. Oh, what is it ? 

Stub. Pretty girls. 

Sam. Oh, Stubby ! (Slides to him on bench ; he falls off.) 
Oh, I didn't mean to call you by your maiden name, honest I 
didn't. 

Stub, (sitting on the other side of her). Well, it's all right ; 
don't lose no sleep about it. 

Sam. And do you think the girls down here are sure-enough 
pretty ? 

Stub. You'd better believe I do. Ain't you glad? 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 



37 



Sam. Glad ? * Why ? 

Stub. 'Cause there's only two kind of women who like to 
be told they're good looking. 

Sam. Only two kind ? 

Stub. Yes, the married ones and the single ones. But you 
can take it from me there ain't a dame in the Big Town who 
can hold a candle to some one I know. 

Sam. Who is it? {Innocently.} Lily Maud Raymond? 

Stub, {imitating her voice). No, it ain't Lily Maud Ray- 
mond. Miss Lily Maud's all right, all right, but I know some 
one else who's got her scratched before the race begins. 

Sam. Oh, who is it ? {Pause.) Go on and tell me, Stubby. 

Stub, {twisting foot bashfully, looking at it). Oh, it's 
some one. 

Sam. Is it some one I know ? 

Stub, {looking down, speaking with closed lips, signifying 
assent). Um-umph ! 

Sam. {pouting). I think you're right mean not to tell me. 

Stub, {looking up, makes an effort to speak, chokes, bash- 
ful business, then tries again). I ain't mean, I'm just bash- 
ful. Say, Miss Sammie Bell, are you going to the sociable to- 
morrow night? 

Sam. I don't know. {Peeps at him.) I might if some- 
body asks me. 

Stub, {looking at her). Gosh ! {Turns atvay.) Well, 
I'll let you know to-morrow. 

Sam. Bud Sanders wants to take me. He done asked me 
this morning. 

Stub. Bud Sanders? 

Sam. {with closed lips). Um-umph. 

Stub. Well, that red-headed, freckle- faced ingrowing son 
of a hill-billy ! 

Sam. {rising indignantly). Why, Stubby Burns, I'm actu- 
ally astonished. Bud Sanders is the mayor's son and he's a 
real nice boy. Anyway, he's powerful good and he makes six 
dollars a week. And his hair ain't so very red neither. 

Stub. Red ? That boy's hair is so red that every time he 
has it cut it makes him look like he's bleeding to death. 

Sam. His mother is real proud of him. And everybody is 
talking about what a fine business head he's got. 

Stub. It 'ud be a good advertisement for crimson paint. 
And you jest wait till we get our 'lectric cars running, then 
I'll be making twenty dollars a week, 



38 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Sam. Bud was right pestered with me for goin' to the circus 
with you last night. 

Stub. I'll bet I'll pester him when I get him. 

Sam. He wanted me to promise that I should always go to 
ihe sociables with him. 

Stub. {looking at her, pauses). And did you promise him ? 
(Sam. bows her head and does not answer. Pause.) Did 
you ? 

Sam. (with closed lips signifying negation). Um-um ! 

(Smiles at him.) 

Stub, (looking at her, turning away bashfully). Gosh ! 

Sam. All of the girls are powerful fond of Bud Sanders. 

Stub. Are you ? 

Sam. Well, I've known him all my life and I've only known 
some folks for three months. (Slowly. ) All the girls like Bud. 

Stub. All the girls like pug-dogs, too. 

Sam. Stubby Burns, Bud Sanders is not a pug-dog. 

Stub. No, I'd hate to insult the dog. 

Sam. (r. a). You're just jealous — that's what you are — 
jealous ! 

Stub. (l. c). Who's jellix? 

Sam. You are. 

Stub. I guess if I was goin' to be jellix, I wouldn't be 
jellix of no hill-billy. (Comes closer to her.) Say, Sammie 
Bell, you don't want to go with no. hick like him ; you want a 
man from the city like me. 

Sam. We got a new boarder at our house. He's a city 
man, too. It's the fellow with the scar on his face that we saw 
at the circus last night. The one you thought you knew. 

Stub. Blinky Huggs ! 

Sam. No, that isn't his name. He told maw his name was 
Anderson. 

Stub, (excitedly). I wonder what he's doing here in 
Opaloopa. Where is he now ? 

Sam. He's up in his room asleep. And he slept all morn- 
ing. That's how come I know he's a city man. 

Stub. You want to keep an eye on that guy. 

Sam. What for? 

Stub. I told you last night when I saw him at the circus 
he was a crook. 

Sam. What do you mean by a crook ? 

Stub. He's crooked. Get me ? Crooked ! 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 



39 



Sam. He isn't either, he's just as straight as any one. 

Stub. I don't mean hump-backed; I mean shady. 

Sam. Shady? You mean he's a negro? 

Stub, (to audience). Can you beat it? Naw, he ain't no 
negro, but he's a bad, bad man. He's an escaped convick 
and his name is Blinky Huggs. 

Sam. (frightened). Oh, and he's in our house. And my 
cameo pin is on the bureau. 

Stub. He was sent up for wife-murder. 

Sam. My gracious goodness ! A wife murderer in our 
house? Oh, I just gotta run and tell maw. 

Stub, {sarcastically). And give him a chance to make a 
clean getaway. Now you jest keep cool and let me and my 
boss handle this case. We're used to crooks; we're from New 
York. Don't say a word. Don't whisper. Don't breathe. 
I'm going to catch this crook and send him back to Sing Sing. 

Sam. {taking his arm). But, Stubby, he might hurt you. 

Stub. Hurt me ? Hurt me ? I could make ten or twenty 
like him take the mat wit' me one hand tied behind me. Hurt 
me ? Huh ! 

Sam. {close to him, looking up in his face). My, you sure 
are the bravest boy I ever saw. Ain't you ever scared of 
nothing ? 

Stub, (bashfully). Nothing but a girl. 

Sam. (taking his hands and swinging them, both down L.). 
Pshaw, I don't see why you need be afraid of a girl. 

Enter Bemis from R. He comes to C. 

Bemis. Break away ! What are you trying to do ? Teach 
her the tango ? 

Stub, {at l.). No, sir. I was just — I was just — er — you 
know 

Sam. (l. a). I got something in my eye and he was trying 
to get it out. 

Bemis. Yes, I know. I've done that myself. But, Stubby, 
I never suspected you of such duplicity. Why, back in New 
York he wouldn't look at a girl. Miss Sammie Bell, he used 
to be the most bashful kid that ever hid behind a fence when- 
ever a girl went by. 

Sam. (laughing). Is that the way he used to be, Mr. Ben- 
nington ? 

Bemis (laughing) . That's the way. 



40 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Sam. {going to door of house at L.). Well, I don't reckon 
he's changed much yet. He ain't what I'd call a real bold 
man now. {Laughs and exits l.) 

Stub. I wonder what she meant by that. 

Bemis. Stubby, you've been flirting. 

Stub. No, I ain't. Honest. What do y' mean flirting ? 

Bemis. Don't you know what flirting is ? Flirting is a thing 
that begins in nothing, you say something, you talk like any- 
thing, you mean nothing and it's all liable to end up in [slight 
pause) anything. Get me? 

Stub. Right off the bat. 

Bemis. Is it a real hard case, Stubby ? Are you in love ? 

Stub. I dunno what you call it, boss, but every time that 
girl looks at me I feel like a mule had caved in the left side of 
my chest. I guess I'm on the waiting list of the Nut Club all 
right, all right. 

Bemis. She's a nice little girl, too. 

Stub. Nice? Is that the best you can do ? Nice? Why, 
every time she snaps her finger I stand right up on me hind 
legs and beg. But, boss, I've been looking all over town for 
you. 

Bemis. I just rode in from Rickett's Mills. We've got the 
tracks that far, Stubby, and if everything goes all right we'll 
have the cars running by Christmas. 

Stub. Yes, sir. But I want to see you awful bad. 

Bemis. What for? Want to borrow money to get a mar- 
riage license? 

Stub, {grinning'). Naw, it ain't nothin' like that. On the 
level, who do you think I saw at the circus last night? 

Bemis. Blinky Huggs ! Did you see him, too? 

Stub. Sure, I did. Did you see him ? 

Bemis. I thought I did. It was quite a resemblance, but it 
must have been a mistake. Blinky goes to the chair next week. 

Stub. That man is Blinky er I'm a Chinaman. Why, 
boss, I'd know that guy if I met him in heaven. I seen him 
twice in the court-room and 'bout 'leven thousand times in the 
papers. Why, he had the same old scar over his left eye. 

Bemis. I saw him on Main Street and tried to follow him, 
but I lost him in the circus crowd. 

Stub. I'll bet he's working the old game following the 
circus and lifting leathers. He used to be a second-story man, 
but hovv'd he ever get out'n Sing Sing ? 

Bemis. I don't know ; maybe he's escaped. I sent a wire 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 4 1 

to Mr. Wise last night asking full particulars. I wonder where 
he's hiding. 

Stub. He ain't hiding. He's took a room at me lady 
friend's. 

Bemis. At Sammie Bell's, eh? I'll take a stroll over that 
way and see what he looks at close up. 

Stub. I'd go with you, only I got me hands full with Mr. 
Bud Sanders. 

Bemis. I just saw him down by the post-office. 

Stub. You did ? I gotta hunch he's waitin' for me goil. 
Jes' lemme get a look at him, that's all. (Crosses to gate R.) 
I'll make him look like fifteen cents at a Coney Island picnic. 

Bemis. Be careful how you treat him, Stubby. His father 
is the mayor. 

Stub. The mayor. Is that higher than the sheriff? 

Bemis. The mayor is the boss of the town. I thought you 
knew what a mayor was. 

Stub. Sure, I do. Anybody knows what a mayor is. A 
mayor is a horse's wife. {Laughs and exits r.) 

Enter Jabb from court-house at L. 

Jabb. Good-evening, young man. 

Bemis (distantly'). Yes, it's a lovely evening. 

Jabb. I hear you and your street-car company are having a 
little financial difficulty. 

Bemis. Is that what you hear ? 

Jabb. Yes, it is commonly reported around town that if 
you do not succeed in raising thirty thousand dollars by two 
o'clock to-morrow afternoon, when the directors meet, that you 
will lose your position as construction manager. 

Bemis. You wouldn't like to invest forty or fifty thousand 
dollars, would you, professor? 

Jabb. Oh, dear, no ! But I am very sorry for you, young 
man, extremely sorry. 

Bemis (dryly). Much obliged. 

Jabb. You have my deepest sympathy. It's pretty hard to 
see your uncle's two million slipping through your fingers, 
isn't it? 

Bkmis (k. a). Well, professor, it hasn't hit the ground yet. 

Jabb (l. c). You have tried several methods to raise the 
stipulated five thousand, I believe. 

Bemis. You believe right. 



42 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Jabb. First a dancing school. Dear me ! That was a little 
too far advanced for Opaloopa. 

Bemis. I believe you. They're still dancing the polka and 
quadrilles in Opaloopa. 

Jabb. And then your theatre and your little mail-order 
business. Those little ventures didn't pan out very well, did 
they? 

Bemis. They weren't what one might call tremendous 
successes. 

Jabb. And now this street-car muddle. I believe the tracks 
are within ten miles of the town and now you are confronted 
with the Herculean task of selling thirty thousand dollars' 
worth of more stock. Dear me, how very, very unfortunate 
you have been, Mr. Bennington. 

Bemis. If I can raise the thirty thousand, I'll have the cars 
running in three months. I'll put Opaloopa on the map. 

Jabb. Yes, if you can raise it. (Crosses in front of Bemis, 
goes to gate r., turns.} If you can raise it. 

\_Exits with a cackling laugh. 

Bemis. Every time I see that man it makes me feel like 
manslaughter in the first degree. 

Enter Mrs. C. from court-house. Parasol down. 

Mrs. C. Bemis! (She advances to L. c.) 

Bemis. Mrs. Courtenay. (Meets her at c. ) 

Mrs. C. (shaking hands with him). I understand you have 
been inquiring for me this evening. 

Bemis (looking at his hand which she retains). Yes. To 
be brief with you, Mrs. Courtenay, the company needs more 
money. 

Mrs. C. Always money. Don't you ever think of anything 
else except money ? (Drops hand. ) 

Bemis. Well, I 

Mrs. C. Have you been hearing the dreadful rumor all 
over town ? 

Bemis. That's the only thing that is all over town in 
Opaloopa. 

Mrs. C. They've been saying such dreadful things. 

Bemis. Concerning me? 

Mrs. C. Yes. Concerning (slight pause) you and (longer 
pause ; she plays with the tip of her parasol on stage, eyes 
dozvn) me ! 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 43 

Bemis. I don't understand. 

Mrs. C. (eyes still on tip of parasol). They say that we 
are engaged to be married. I'm hearing it on all sides. 

Bemis. I don't think there's anything in it. 

Mrs. C. (sighing, looks at him ; sighs again, looks down). 
It's so hard to be a widow. Folks are always saying such un- 
pleasant things. 

Bemis. But about the money, Mrs. Courtenay ? We need 
thirty thousand dollars by two o'clock to-morrow. 

Mrs. C. (hesitating). Well — er — I — I've already invested 
a heap of money in that company, Bemis. All my friends tell 
me it will never be a success here in Delta County. 

Bemis. Don't you believe it. If you stand by us we'll 
double your investments in a year or two. 

Mrs. C. And you would be earning the five thousand per 
year stipulated in your uncle's will. 

Bemis. Yes, that's why I'm so anxious to make a success 
of the street-car company. I'll work from morning till mid- 
night, I'll help lay the tracks with my own hands, I'll work like 
a dog, Mrs. Courtenay, but I'm going to make good. I'm 
going to earn five thousand dollars in a year. 

Mus. C. There was another codicil, wasn't there, Bemis? 
Something about marrying, I believe. 

Bemis. Yes. My uncle stipulated that I should marry in 
six months from the time the will was read. 

Mrs. C. And you've been here in Opaloopa three months. 

Bemis. It seems like thirty years. 

Mrs. C. That only leaves ninety days to find a wife. 

Bemis. Oh, I'm not worried about that. 

Mrs. C. Then you have some one in mind ? (Pauses in 
assumed confusion.) Oh, I beg your pardon, I shouldn't have 
asked that. 

Bemis. That's all right, Mrs. Courtenay. To be quite frank 
with you, I intend to follow out my uncle's instructions to the 
very letter. Before the time limit is up I mean to be a married 
man. 

Mrs. C. You have been frank with me, Mr. Bennington, 
now I'll be equally frank with you. You need thirty thousand 
dollars by two o'clock to-morrow evening. You have asked 
me to assume that much more stock. If I refuse it will be al- 
most impossible for you to retain your position with the com- 
pany. Am I right ? 

Bemis. Yes, but — 



4^ A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Mrs. C. {interrupting). Just a moment. Then if I refuse 
lo advance you this thirty thousand dollars it will be impossible 
for you to earn the stipulated five thousand a year ? 

Bemis. Yes. 

Mrs. C. In that case your uncle's millions will revert to my 
old friend, Professor Jabb. 

Bemis. Yes, but surely you realize what a great investment 
the street car company offers you? 

Mrs. C I said I would be frank with you. I don't care a 
rap for the investment. 1 have money enough, and the thirty 
thousand dollars really means but little to me. 

Bemis {eagerly). Then you will let me have it? You will 
be my angel of goodness? You will invest it in the company? 

Mrs. C. Upon certain conditions, yes. I am a frank 
woman, Mr. Bennington, a very frank woman, and I mean to 
speak my mind. You came here to Opaloopa three months 
ago practically unknown. You tried several schemes to earn 
that five thousand dollars in a year's time. You opened a 
tango tea-room. 

Bemis. It lasted three days. I had two pupils and one of 
them had a wooden leg. 

Mrs. C. You tried to build an opera house. 

Bemis. Couldn't raise a hundred dollars. 

Mrs. C. Finally you decided to start a street-car company. 
You came to me. I listened to you. 

Bemis. You were my guiding star. You invested a hundred 
thousand dollars. 

Mrs. C. And why did I do it? {Passionately.) Do you 
imagine that I was interested in your street-car company? 
Do you think I cared whether the villagers of Delta County 
walked or rode ? Do you reckon I intended to make a fortune 
by my investments, against the advice of my lawyer and all my 
friends? No, I gave the money simply because you asked me 
to do so. It was for you. All, all for you ! I don't care for 

the money, Bemis, but oh {Breaks down, weeps.) Oh, 

Bemis, don't you see? Can't you understand? 

Bemis {seriously). I think I do. I think I understand. 

Enter jAKB/rom r. He comes hastily down C. to Mrs. C. 

Jabb. Mistress Courtenay, if you are ready I will escort you 
over to the station. I reckon Miss Fay's train will be in in 
about twenty minutes. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 45 

Mks. C. (trying to collect herself}. Thank you, Noah. I 
was just — er — that is, we Oh, I don't know what to say. 

( Wipes eyes.) 

Jabb (a). Are you in sorrow, Mistress Courtenay ? If so 
you had better turn to your old friends and neighbors whom 
you have known since childhood. Turn to us; we will redress 
your wounds. 

Mrs. C. I haven't any wounds, Noah. It's just my senti- 
mental nature. Sometimes I get so excited. 

Jabb. It seems too bad that you have been persuaded to in- 
vest so much money in this wild street-car system. Really, old 
friend, I sympathize with you. You have my deepest sym- 
pathy, but you should have consulted me in the beginning. 
Now you stand in a fair way to lose everything. 

Bemis. It isn't so. Our street-car system is all right, Pro- 
fessor Jabb. There seems to be some scoundrel here in town 
who is trying to get the best of me in this deal, some one who 
has not hesitated to bribe my men, to put dynamite on my 
tracks, some one who thinks he will profit by my failure. But 
I'm not going to fail. I've got enough of the Silas P. Chizzle- 
ton blood in me to fight, to fight against all odds and to the bit- 
ter end, to fight and to win ! (To her.) Mrs. Courtenay, I 
must go to the county surveyor's office now but let me tell you 
that your money is safe, that this company is not going to fail. 
The last inch of that track will be in place next month if I have 
to lay it with my own hands. (Cross to door L., turn.) I'm 
in this game for keeps and I'm in this game to win. 

Jabb. But your uncle, what would my old friend Silas P. 
Chizzleton say to all this? 

Bemis (l.). My uncle was a hard worker and an honest 
man, and he hated hypocrisy worse than the devil. He wanted 
to see what kind of a man I was going to make of myself. He 
wanted me to try my mettle, Professor Jabb, so he pitted me 
against you, the shrewdest, oiliest, crookedest business man he 
knew. What would he say, you ask ? I know what he'd say. 
He'd say, " Bemis, old scout, go in and win ! Show 'em what's 
in you, whip your enemies, beat 'em to a frazzle and win that 
couple of million ! That's what Silas P. Chizzleton would say, 
Professor Jabb, and believe me, that's just what I am going to 
do. [Exits L., slamming door. 

Jabb (crossing to l., shakes his cane after Bemis). Imper- 
tinent ! The miserable young upstart. I'll show him, I'll show 



46 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

him ! Thinks he can'earn five thousand dollars a year in Opa- 
loopa, does he? He can't do it. He can't do it. He don't 
know the kind of a man he's dealing with. I'll stick on his 
track like a hound. I won't sleep. I won't eat. My every 
thought . shall be for revenge. I'll never give up until 1 send 
him back to New York alone, disgraced, without a penny, with- 
out a friend ! 

Mrs. C. (r. a). Why, -professor, I don't hardly know you. 

Jabb {coming to her and speaking fiercely). The time has 
come to tear the mask from his grinning face. You shall know 
him as he really is. Surely you do not intend to allow him 
five thousand a year salary ? 

Mrs. C. {facing him fearlessly). I do ! That is our con- 
tract. 

Jabb. You mean it is the contract with the manager of the 
street-car company. He is the man to get the five thousand 
salary. 

Mrs. C. Yes, but Mr. Bennington is the manager. 

Jabb {craftily). For the present, yes. But you hold sixty 
shares of the company. You own the majority of the stock. 
You can discharge him at any time. His fate is in your hands. 

Mrs. C. But I won't discharge him ! It wouldn't be just, 
it wouldn't be fair. {Indignantly.) Why, the whole idea was 
his. Just see what he has done already. Thirty-eight miles 
of track are down, the offices have been built, the stock has 
been sold. 

Jabb. But where do you come in ? Why are you turning 
from your old friends to this adventurer whom no one knows ? 
Why are you acting thus, Mistress Courtenay ? He is nothing 
to you and {slowly and impressively, leaning toward her) you 
— are — nothing — to him ! 

Mrs. C. {her breast heaving with passion). You go too far! 

Jabb. Have patience. Listen to me. He is playing with 
you. You have become a plaything in his hands ! If you 
consent to his plan and turn over thirty thousand dollars to him 
to-day, what have you to show for it? Why, he'll be laughing 
at you to-morrow. 

Mrs. C. {in agony). It isn't true, it isn't true ! 

Jabb. It is true and you know it. You are not his fiancee. 
He is not even treating you honorably. There is another girl 
— in New York. 

Mrs. C. {facing him bravely). Noah Jabb, I don't believe 
you ! 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 47 

Jabb. I am speaking for your own good. You are alone, 
unprotected from this unknown adventurer. What assurance 
have you that he intends to treat you honorably ? 

Mrs. C. Assurance? I don't need any assurance. I can 
look in the face of Bemis Bennington and read nothing but 
truth and honesty. He is a gentleman and I trust him ! 

Jabb. But listen to me — — 

Mrs. C. {interrupting}. I'll not listen to you. If you de- 
sire to traduce him, do it to his face. When I want your ad- 
vice, I'll ask you for it. 

Jabb. But my dear Mistress 

Mrs. C. Enough. Let us end this interview. Your insin- 
uations are an insult, sir, an insult to him and an insult to me. 

{Cross to gate.) 

Jabb (a). Where are you going? 

Mrs. C. (r.). I am going to the station to meet my niece. 

Jabb {advancing toward her). Let me escort you. 

Mrs. C. Thank you, I prefer to be alone. \_Exits r. 

Jabb {looking after her a moment, then explosively). Damn ! 
{Starts r. Enter Stub, from r., meeting J abb at gate.) Out 
of my way, you young popinjay ! [Exits r. 

Stub, {to audience). Well, what do you know about that? 
He called me some kind of a jay. Called me a jay ! Him / 

Enter Bemis from house l., letter in hand. 

Bemis. Well, Stubby, our days of drudgery are over. 
From now on it's us for the lobster palaces and the great white 
way. 

Stub. (r. c). Gee, are we goin' back to Broadway? 

Bemis (l. a). Next year. In the meantime we're going 
to earn that couple of million. 

Stub. But them codicils, or what-y' -call- 'ems. How can 
you earn five thousand a year in Opaloopa? 

Bemis. I'm going to marry it. 

Stub. But the will said you had to earn it. 

Bemis. If I'm not earning it, my festive friend, there's no 
such word in the dictionary. 

Stub. You must 'a' landed a prize or struck a bonanza. 

Bemis. I did. A forty-eight year old bonanza. I've got 
to start the street-car system before I can earn the five thou- 
sand, and I've got to earn that before I can land the couple of 
million. Get me? 



40 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Stub, (with a careless gesture). Well, start the system, 
earn your five thou, afid there you are ! Just like that ! 

Bemis. Yes, that's what I thought myself at first. Just like 
that ! {Imitates gesture.) But before I cau hold my job with 
the company I've got to raise thirty thousand from Mrs. 
Courtenay. Just like that ! (Same gesture.) And before she 
gives up the thirty thou, I've got to promise to love, honor and 
obey her for the rest of my natural life. Just like that ! 

{Repeats gesture.) 

Stub. Gee ! You're goin' to marry the widder. Say, 
boss, you ain't goin' to tie up with no 1866 relie like her, are 
you ? 

Bemis. It's the only way. It means a couple of million 
for us. 

Stub. Yes, but it means a life sentence for youse. And 
what about the other one ? 

Bemis. The other one ? What other one ? 

Stub. The little blonde peacherino who thought you was 
Blinky Huggs. 

Bemis. Oh, she's forgotten all about me by this time. I've 
never seen her since that day in the office in New York. 

Stub. Don't she live here? 

Bemis. Yes, but she's visiting way down in New Orleans 
and time is flying, Stubby. The will said that I must be a 
married man inside of six months. That only leaves me ninety 
days grace. I've got to get busy. 

Stub. You'd better wait a while. Maybe the little blonde 
will come home. 

Bemis. She was a darling, Stubby, but I'll probably never 
see her again. No, it's me for the fair and festive widow and 
her thirty thousand. (Waves letter.) And here is the fatal 
little letter that's going to do the deed. 

Stub. How do you know she wants to get married ? 

Bemis. She's a widow, isn't she? 

Stub. Sure. 

Bemis. That's the answer. 

Stub. But honest, boss, she's old enough to be your 
mother. 

Bemis. I know it. In a couple of years she'll have one foot 
in the grave. Just like that ! (A careless gesture.) 

Stub. Then I'll push the other one in and we'll spend the 
millions. Just like that ! (Same gesture.) 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 49 

Bemis. Stubby, I want you to carry the billet-doux. 

Stub. Come again ! 

Bemis. I want you to be the purveyor of the epistolary pro- 
posal. 

Stub. Huh ? 

Bemis. I want you to act as Cupid and carry the message 
of love. 

Stub. Act as Cupid? Me? Boss, you've got to get an- 
other Cupid. My wings ain't sprouted. Gimme the letter. 

Bemis. You'll find her down-town. 

Stub. Honest, boss, ain't there no other way? 

Bemis. I'm afraid not. I've come to the end of my rope. 
It's sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish, lose a couple 
of million or marry the widow. Hurry along, Stub, before I 
change my mind. 

Stub. • I'll do it, boss, but it certainly goes agin the grain. 

[Exit R. with the letter. 

Enter Piper from l. 

Piper. Say, Mr. Bennington, the county surveyor wants you 
to come up to his office on official business. 

Bemis. What does he want, squire? 

Piper. He says he reckons he kin beat you at a game of 
checkers. 

Bemis. You go up and take my place, squire. I'm going 
over to the country club and play golf. 

Piper. Golf? That's that new game you started here, 
ain't it? 

Bemis. Yes, I had the honor of introducing golf to the 
Opaloopians. 

Piper. Is it a kind of a billiards, er do you use poker 
chips ? 

Bemis. Neither one, squire. It's a kind of a ball game. 
You see it starts with a golf ball and ends with a high-ball. 
Get me ? 

Piper. What's a high-ball ? One way up in the air ? 

Bemis. Yes, squire, after you've caught three or four you're 
so far up in the air you don't care if you never come down. 

Piper. Too much up and down fer me. {Crosses to l.) 
I reckon I'll stick to checkers. 

Enter Pink from r. She runs down c. 

Pink. Miss Fay's done come home. Miss Fay's done 



50 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

come home ! She's .comin' up yere now. Golly, I'se glad ! 
I'll bet she brung me a pretty 

Fay {speaking outside at r.). Oh, Mr. Loman, I certainly 
am glad to be home again. 

Bemis {down L.). That voice ! 

Pink {up r.). Yere she comes, yere she comes. Looking 
jes' as fresh as a daisy. 

Enter Bev. from R., escorting Fay, closely followed by 
Mrs. C. Jabb and the extra men enter a little later. 

Fay {coming down c. with Bev.). After all, there's no 
place like dear old Opaloopa. 

Bemis {astonished). The Alabama blossom ! 

Fay. Blinky Huggs ! {Pause ; all hold picture.') 

Bev. What did you say, Miss Fay ? 

Fay {recovering). This gentleman ! {Goes to Bemis and 
extends hand.) We've met before. An old acquaintance. 

(Bev. turns and speaks to Mrs. C.) 

Bemis. Really, Miss Fairbanks 

Fay {interrupting in a low tense voice). You have es- 
caped ? You got my letter and have come here to Opaloopa. 
Oh, I'm so glad, so glad. I've thought of you every moment 
for three months. I seemed to see the dreadful chair, to see 
the noose about your neck ! And now you've escaped ! My 
prayers are answered ! My prayers are answered ! 

Mrs. C. (approaching Fay and Bemis). Fay ? 

Fay. Yes, Aunt Clarice ? 

Mrs. C. Beverly is waiting for you. He will escort you 
home. 

Bev. Are you quite ready, Miss Fay ? 

Fay {taking his arm). Yes, thank you, Mr. Loman. 
{Crosses to gate.) I feel a little tired after my journey. 

{Turns, exchanges a look with Bemis and exits R., escorted 
by Bev. and followed by Jabb, Pink, and the extra men. 
Piper exits at L.) 

Mrs. C. Why, we're all alone. 

Bemis. We are. But don't blame me. 

Mrs. C. I've been thinking about that proposition you 
made me, Bemis. 

Bemis. Good Heavens ! I'm too late. She's seen Stubby. 
She's got my letter. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 



51 



Mrs. C. I stopped in at my lawyer's and drew up this 
check for you. It's for thirty thousand dollars. That's right, 
isn't it ? 

Bemis. Quite correct. Then you haven't seen Stubby ? 

Mrs. C. Stubby ? What is a stubby ? 

Bemis. My boy, I mean. He had a letter 

Mrs. C. A letter for me ? 

Bemis. Yes, I wrote you a note. But it wasn't anything of 
importance. I've changed my mind. 

Enter Stub, from r., waving note. He goes to Mrs. C. 

Stub. Gee, I've been lookin' all over town for you. Here ! 

{Tries to hand her the note.) 

Bemis. Just a moment. {Grabs the note.) 

Mrs. C. Mr. Bennington ! 

Bemis. Just a little mistake of Stubby's. That's all. 

{Tears tip the note.) 

Stub, {to audience). Well, what do you know about that? 

Bemis. That's all, Stubby. You'd better beat it. 

Stub. I got you. It's beat. [Exits r. 

Mrs. C. Here is the check, Bemis. {Shows it.) 

Bemis {waving his fingers as though anxious to get check). 
Yes, I see it. 

Mrs. C. Bemis, you are making it so difficult for me. I 
mean— er — you know ! Why don't you say something ? I am 
so timid sometimes. 

Bemis. So am I. And this is one of the times. 

Mrs. C. I have removed all obstacles from your path to 
success. When you receive this check it will put your com- 
pany on its feet again; you will be earning five thousand dol- 
lars a year and can easily fulfil all the requirements of your 
uncle's will. Then you will be a millionaire and we can enjoy 
his fortune together. 

Bemis. We ? 

Mrs. C. Are you proposing to me, Bemis? 

Bemis. I'd hardly call it proposing, Mrs. Courtenay. Why, 
I never thought of such a thing. I'm too young to be married. 
And then, you see, an old friend has just returned. Miss 
Fairbanks 

Mrs. C. I don't see what she has to do with it. 



52 A COUPLE OF MILLION 



Beiuis. Now, Mrs. Courtenay 
Mrs. C. Call me Clarice. 



Bemis. I can't call you Clarice. In fact, I can never call 
you Clarice. 

Mrs. C. I don't understand. Aren't you willing to accept 
the check for thirty thousand ? 

Bemis. Oh, yes ; yes, indeed. Don't let that worry you. 
I'm quite willing to accept it. 

Mrs. C. Then why all this mystery ? 

Bemis. I'll tell you a secret, Mrs. Courtenay. I am in 
love ! 

Mrs. C. (delighted}. Silly boy. I'll tell you another. So 
am I. 

Bemis. I expect to declare my intentions this evening. 

Mrs. C. Then why don't you ? 

Bemis. Well — er — you see it's Miss Fairbanks. 

Mrs. C. Miss Fairbanks ? 

Bemis. Yes — she's the girl. She's the only girl in all the 
world for me. 

Mrs. C. Miss Fairbanks ! 

(Pronounced pause. He turns away as she tries to recover 
herself. She looks at him and then slowly tears up the 
check and drops it. Puts hand to head, closes eyes a mo- 
me tit. Then slowly exits at R.) 

Bemis. Good-night to uncle's millions. There goes my 
five thousand dollar job. (Brightens up.} But I should 
worry ! Bemis, my boy, brace up and be a man, not a fortune 
hunter. Get a job in the city, marry the Alabama blossom 
and start all over again. I'll do it. I never did want to be a 
millionaire anyhow. It's too much excitement. Good bye, 
old Opaloopa ; I'm going back to New York and make a man 
of myself. Then I'm coming back and marry the Alabama 
blossom. And I'll use her mother's ring for the ceremony. 

(He has taken ring from pocket and kisses it as curtain 
slowly falls.') 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — The same as Act II. Time: The next afternoon. 
The stage is arranged exactly as in Act II Lights on full 
throughout the act. 

(Piper is discovered seated down L., smoking a cob pipe and 
reading the paper. Enter Jabb from R. He comes 
through the gate and comes down C.) 

Jabb. Evening, squire ! 

Piper. Evening, professor. (Ibises.) I want to congratu- 
late you, sah. I hear you've done been elected manager of 
the new street-car company. 

Jabb. Thank you, squire. Yes, it is true. The board of 
directors had a meeting this afternoon and I am now the new 
manager of the company. 

Piper. What happened to Mr. Bennington ? 

Jabb. They let him out. 

Piper. They did ? And he's the feller who started the 
whole business. 

Jabb. He was entirely too young and inexperienced to hold 
such an important position. 

Piper. What's he goin' to do now ? 

Jabb. I'm sure I don't know. He will probably return to 
New York. 

Piper. Kind o' hard on the boy, professor. He certainly 
worked like a trooper for that company. 

Jabb. He was well paid for what he has done, but he is a 
stranger here and the majority of the stockholders thought that 
he was rather out of place as the manager of the company. 
It's an Opaloopa concern, squire, and we want Opaloopa men 
for officers. 

Piper. I'm certainly sorry for him. 

Jabb. We wanted a representative son of Opaloopa as man- 
ager, a man whose integrity and honesty were well known in 
the community. 

Piper. So they chose you ? 

Jabb. So they chose me. 

53 



54 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Piper {folding up his paper and putting it in hip pocket}. 
Well, professor, I sure wish you well, but my own personal 
sympathy certainly goes out to that young man. Why, if 
they'd have given him a chance, he'd 'a' put Opaloopa on the 
map, sah. (Crosses to door l.) Evening, professor. 

[Exits L. 

Enter Stub, from R. He comes down R. 

Jabb (smiling). Good-evening, young man. 

Stub, (snapping his fingers'). Aw, that for you ! 

Jabb. I suppose you've heard the news ? 

Stub. I heard that me boss has been let out'n the company, 
and I heard that they put you in. All I gotta say is, "God 
help the company ! " 

Jabb (starting toward him tvith uplifted cane). You young 
tramp, I'll 

Stub, (sparring at him, jumping back and forth). Come 
on and do it, come on and do it. I jest want me chance. 
That's all. I jest want me chance. 

Efiter Bemis from r. He comes down betzueen them. 

Bemis. Stubby ! 

Stub. (r.). I was just going to teach this giraffe how to 
take a joke, that's all. 

Jabb (l. a). Mr. Bennington, I think it would be best for 
the general welfare of the community if you and your young 
friend here would take the next train to New York, and say 
good-bye to Opaloopa for the present. (Suavely.) There is a 
north-bound train at five o'clock. (Looks at watch.) You 
have just about twenty-five minutes. 

Bemis (pleasantly). Indeed. 

Jabb. Yes. If you need any money to assist you in your 
exodus, I'm sure I would only be too glad 

Bkmis. Oh, I couldn't trouble you, professor. In fact, I 
don't think I'll leave Opaloopa. At any rate, not just now. 
There is such a charming air of peace and quiet down here. 

Stub. That's right. They got more peace and quiet here 
to the square mile than any place on earth. 

Jabb (angrily). You mean that you intend to stay here? 

Bemis. That's precisely what I mean. 

Jabb. I suppose you still have a wild idea that you can 
satisfy the conditions of your uncle's will. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 55 

Bemis (going to him and speaking pleasantly). Professor 
Jabb, in the little American game of poker it is always consid- 
ered bad form to show your hand until you are called. Now, 
I haven't been called. 

Jabb. The keys of your office have been turned over to me, 
sir. I am going over the accounts and contracts to-night. 

Bemis. Go as far as ydu like. 

Jabb. Of course I don't suspect that anything is wrong 
with the accounts 

Bemis. Please don't make me nervous, professor. Every 
time I get nervous my right arm gets a little fractious and it 
might swing your way. 

Jabb. My dear young man, I have no hard feelings toward 
you at all. It is true that I am a conqueror, but I am a mag- 
nanimous conqueror. {Extends his hand.) Good-evening, 
sir. 

Bemis (ignoring his hand). Yes, I think it is. 

Jabb. Oh, very well. (Crosses to gate at R.) I can 
scarcely blame you for feeling disgruntled, for in losing your 
position I feel quite certain that you have lost your last lone 
chance to qualify yourself for your uncle's millions. Good- 
evening. [Exits R. 

Stub. Say, boss, lemme go after him and hit him jest once. 
Please. Jest once. In the solar plexus. 

Bemis (holding him). Just a moment, Stubby. You're not 
in Chicago, you know, you're in Opaloopa. 

(Stub, pauses, shakes fist toward r. The?i gives a long 
sigh.) 

Stub, (slowly coming to Bemis, pauses). Say, boss, is it 
true? 

Bemis. Yes, Stubby. 

Stub. Lost yer job? 

Bemis. Yes. 

Stub. Lost yer five thousand a year? 

Bemis. It looks like it. 

Stub. Lost yer uncle's couple of million ? 

Bemis. I'm afraid so. 

(Pause. Stub, goes to him. Looks at him. Pause. Stub. 
extends his hand.) 

Stub. You still got me. 

Bemis (wringing his hand). Stub ! 



56 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Stub. Gee, I feeU better now. Well, I guess I'd better go 
and pack up me shirt. 

Bemis. What for ? 

Stub. Ain't it all over? Ain't you goin' to quit? 

Bemis. Quit? Do I look like a quitter? No, Stub, I'nC 
not going to quit, I've just begun. I'm going to fight. That's 
what I'm going to do, fight ! 

Stub, {excitedly). That a boy ! Go to it ! 

Bemis. It's going to be some fight before I get through. It 
will make an Indian massacre look like an old maid's quilting 
party. 

Stub. But you can't get no job here in this tank town 
that'll pay you five thou a year. 

Bemis. Maybe not. Maybe I won't ever win my uncle's 
fortune, but I'm going to give 'em a run for their money. I'm 
not licked yet ! 

Stub, {sparring). No, ner me either. Not by a durned 
sight. 

Bemis. Run down to the telegraph office and see if there's 
anything for me from Mr. Wise. 

Stub. 1 got y'. {Runs to gate r.) 

Enter Pink from R. She comes to gate. Stub, whirls her 
around and rushes out R. 

Pink {falling down R.). Yere, man, yere ! Don't get so 
rambuncious. {Comes to Bemis.) Mr. Bennington, I'se been 
looking for you. 

Bemis (l. c). I feel a draught in my pocket. 

Pink. Mr. McCloskey, de telegrapht man, done tole me to 
bring dis yere telegrapht over to you. 

Bemis. A telegram for me? At last ! {Takes it.) 

Pink. Mr. McCloskey he 'low you'd gib me two bits for 
dat telegrapht. 

Bemis. Sure. {Tosses her a quarter.) 

Pink {with closed lips). Um-um ! I gwine over to de 
Boston Store and buy me a pair ob di'mond side-combs and 
three strings ob pink and yaller beads. [Exits R. 

Bemis {has opened the telegram). " Blinky Huggs escaped 
from Sing Sing three weeks ago. Letters found in his cell 
from Miss Fay Fairbanks of Opaloopa. Get him if you can. 
Five thousand reward dead or alive. Jeremy Wise." {Speaks.) 
Reward of five thousand. It's mine. Fortune is smiling at 
last. Business is picking up. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 57 

Enter Bev. from L. 

Bev. Evening, Mr. Bennington. I certainly am sorry to 
hear about the shabby way they-all done treated you. 

Bemis {looking up from telegram). Eh ? Oh, yes ! Thank 
you, sheriff. 

Bev. It looked to me like a mighty houn'-dog trick, sah. 
I don't understand it at all. 

Bemis. Say, sheriff, have you got a revolver that isn't 
working ? 

Bev. (taking out a revolver). I reckon I have. 

Bemis. Let me have it for an hour or two. 

Bev. You hain't goin' to do nothin' serious, are you, Mr. 
Bennington ? 

Bemis. No, not very. I'm going to arrest a man, that's all. 

Bev. But it's agin the law to carry concealed weapons. 

Bemis. Couldn't you make me a deputy sheriff, or some- 
thing ? 

Bev. I reckon I could. But what you goin' to do ? 

Bemis. I'm going to increase the population of your county 
jail, that's all. 

Bev. Come up to my office and I'll swear you in. Is it a 
desperate case ? 

Bemis. Desperate ? It's notorious. I'm going to give you 
a prisoner that will put your name in every paper in the coun- 
try. Hurry up and make me a deputy sheriff. [Exits L. 

Bev. I dunno what he wants to do, but he's all right. I'll 
put my money on that boy every time. [Exits L. 

Enter Stub, and Sam. from R. arm in arm. They enter 
slowly, each looking in the other'' s eyes and smiling. They 
come down to bench and sit slowly, eyeing each other. 
Pause. Both sigh. 

Stub, (after a pause). Well, I lost me job. 
Sam. (sympathetically). Yes, I heard all about it. 
Stub. Me and me boss has both been let out. 
Sam. I know. Everybody in Opaloopa is talking about it. 
I certainly am sorry, Mr. Burns. 
Stub. Stubby ! 
Sam. Stubby ! 

Stub. Ain't no tellin' when I can get married now. 
Sam. Were you thinking about getting married ? 
Stub. Sure. Wasn't you ? 



58 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Sam. Nobody ever asked me yet. 

Stub. What 'ud you say if they did ask you ? 

Sam. I reckon it 'ud depend on who it was. 

Stub. Suppose it was 

(Pauses and twists foot bashfully.) 

Sam. {after a pronounced pause). Yes, Stubby ? 

Stub. Suppose it was {Repeat business.) 

Sam. Well, who, Stubby ? 

Stub. Suppose it was Bud Sanders. 

Sam. {looking at him scornfully, pauses, drops eya). Bud's 
an awful cute boy. 

Stub. Cute ? Just like a crawfish. 

Sam. And his father is the mayor. 

Stub. Got a head like a danger signal. 

Sam. I never did like red hair, Stubby. 

Stub, (gathering courage). Well, suppose it was — it 
was (Pauses.) 

Sam. Yes, you said that before. 

Stub. Suppose it was me, Sammie ? 

( Gives a long sigh of relief. ) 

Sam. Oh, Stubby, I can't suppose such a thing. You're 
too bashful. 

Stub. I ain't bashful, I'm only careful. 

Sam. (rising indignantly). Well, I like that ! 

Stub. Sit down. Sit down. Wait till you hear the second 
chapter. 

Sam. (sitting). Now, Mr. Burns 

Stub. Stubby ! 

Sam. I mean, Stubby. 

Stub. How 'ud you like to live in New York ? 

Sam. Ob, that would be heavenly. 

(They start to embrace. Pink runs in from R. and down C ) 

Pink. Dey's got him. Dey's got him. 

Sam. (rising in confusion). Got who? 
Pink. De prisoner. Mr. Bennington and de sheriff's done 
tooken him up de back way, and dey's got him safe in de jail. 
Sam. What prisoner, Pink ? 

Pink. De man dat was boardin' at you-all's house. 
Stub. Blinky Huggs ! Where is he? 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 59 

Pink. Up in there. (Points to jail at l.) And dey bad a 

fight and Mr. Bennington had a gun, and he frovved him down 
in de road and poked de gun in his face. And dey rolled over 
and over. And I seen him. Ami de sheriff come and he 
putten de han' cuffs on de man and dey's got him in de jail. 
Come on ! I shore wants to see de 'citement. {Runs out l ) 

Stub. I gotta go and see my boss. 

Sam. But I'm afraid. 

Enter Fay from r. She comes down c. 

Fay. Sammie Bell ! 

Sam. Yes'm? 

Fay. I just heard that a man had been arrested. Who 
is he ? 

Sam. One of our boarders. 

Stub. They got him in the cooler. It's Blinky Huggs. 

Fay {staggering slightly and moaning). Oh ! 

Sam. Miss Fairbanks, let me introduce my gentleman 
friend, Mr. Burns. 

Fay (going to Stub, and grasping his arm). How did they 
find him? Who arrested him? How did they know he was 
here ? 

Stub. My boss, Mr. Bennington ; turned the trick. Say, 
he's some little detective is me boss. 

Sam. Stubby ! 

Stub. She's jellix. 

Fay. Please find the sheriff for me. It's very important. 
Won't you tell Beverly Loman to come here? 

Stub. Sure. (Starts to l.) 

Sam. Wait a minute, I'll go with you. 

[Exits l., with Stub. 

Fay. He escaped and came here to me for protection, and 
now it's too late. 

Enter ,Bev. from l. He comes down c. to Fay. 

Bev. Miss Fay, I shore am glad to see you home again. 

Fay. Thank you, Beverly. I hear you've just made an im- 
portant arrest. 

Bev. Well, I assisted at it. Me and Mr. Bennington done 
took up a man jes' now. 

Fay. Mr. Bennington? 



60 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Bev. Yes'm. Haven't you met him yet? He's a right 
nice boy. 

Fay. He is old Mr. Chizzleton's nephew, isn't he ? 

Bev. Yes'm. He's been here 'bout three months, I reckon. 
He's the man who started the street-car company. 

Fay. But this man who was arrested, Beverly. Do you 
know his name ? 

Bev. No'm, I don't. Mr. Bennington said to charge him 
with being a suspicious character. That's all I know. I reckon 
he's one of the short-change men who came with the circus day 
'fore yesterday. 

Fay. Then there is no real charge against him ? 

Bev. No'm, not what you might call a serious charge. 

Fay. How long are you going to keep him penned up in 
there ? 

Bev. Mr. Bennington's done sent a telegram to New York. 
He says he's a right suspicious character. 

Fay. I think there must be a mistake. I know the man 
you arrested. 

Bev. You know him, Miss Fay? 

Fay. I met him at the law office of Mr. Wise in New York. 
You remember Mr. Wise, don't you, Beverly ? He visited Mr. 
Chizzleton last year. 

Bev. Yes'm, I remember him. They say he's a right smart 
lawyer. 

Fay. This man, your prisoner, I mean, is a friend of Mr. 
Wise. You must release him at once. He isn't suspicious at 
all. You've made a mistake. 

Bev. Sure enough, Miss Fay, do you know him ? 

Fay. I'm positive. I was speaking with him yesterday 
here at the court-house. He is my friend. You'll let him go, 
won't you, Beverly ? It is some horrible mistake. Think how 
awful it is for him to be here alone, a stranger in a strange land. 
You say Mr. Bennington had him arrested on suspicion. I 
don't reckon he'd ever seen him before. Isn't my word as 
good as Mr. Bennington's ? Wouldn't you do as much for me 
as you would for Mr. Bennington ? 

Bev. Wouldn't I? Miss Fay, there ain't nothin' on God's 
green earth I wouldn't do for you. 

Fay. Then let him go. The six o'clock train leaves for 
the north in three minutes. Let him catch that train. 

Bev. Hadn't we better wait till morning? Then I could 
explain to Mr. Bennington that he was a friend of yours 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 6l 

Fay {interrupting). I care nothing for Mr. Bennington. 
He knows nothing about this man. You have put him in jail 
on a mere suspicion. 

(Bemis appears at window or door l.) 

Bev. There he is now. 

Fay. Yes, I see him. (Bemis disappears.) Oh, Beverly, 
let him catch that train. Let him go. 

Bev. Well {hesitating), I reckon 

Fay. Have you a warrant for his arrest ? You have not. 
What has he clone? I tell you I know him, Beverly. Mr. 
Bennington is a perfect stranger in Opaloopa. Maybe he's a 
suspicious character himself. {Train whistle heard in the dis- 
tance.) There's the whistle of the train. Beverly, for my 
sake, for my sake ! Why do you hesitate? 

Bev. You're right, Miss Fay. {Crosses to door L.) I'll 
let this man go. I reckon your word is jes' as good as Mr. 
Bemis Bennington's, and a dern sight better. I'm a-goin' to 
let him go. 

Fay {grasping his hands). Oh, thank you, Beverly, thank 
you ! ( Weeps.) 

Bev. There, there, Miss Fay, don't you take on so. 

Fay. Hurry, Beverly. The train is coming around the 
loop. Help him to catch that train. Save him ! Save him, 
Beverly, and I'll be grateful to you all the rest of my life. 

Bev. {looking at her a moment, straightening up with de- 
termination). Miss Fay, he's done saved. [Exits l. 

Enter Pink from u. 

Pink. Miss Fay, Mis' Courtenay done sent for you. She 
say night's coming on and dis ain' no fitten place fo' you all 
alone. She's over at the drug-store. 

Fay. Thank you, Pink. Tell her I'll be right over. 

Pink. Yas'm, I'll tell her. {JZutis out r.) 

Enter Bemis from L. He meets Fay at c. 

Bemis. Miss Fairbanks ! 

Fay. Oh, you are free. He let you escape. Don't stop to 
speak to me but run, run for your very life. The north-bound 
train is in. You have just time to make it. Go, and Heaven 
protect you. 

Enter Bev. from l. He comes down l. 



62 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Bev. He's done gone, Miss Fay. I let him out the back 
way and he's caught the train. 

Bemis. Let him out? Let who out? 

Bev. The prisoner. Miss Fay done vouched for him. 
She said he was a friend of hers. 

(Sound of train heard in the distance.} 

Bemis (a). Don't let him escape. Head him off. We 
must stop him. 

Bev. {pointing revolver at him'). Stand right where you 
are, sir. I'm sheriff of this county and I'll back Miss Fair- 
banks' word agin a million. 

Fay. But it's all a mistake. 

Bemis. I should say it is. You idiot, that man was Blinky 
Huggs ! 

Bev. Too late, now, there goes the train. 

Bemis (in despair). And there goes my five thousand 
dollars. 

Fay. What have I done ? Beverly, who is this gentle- 
man ? (r. c.) 

Bev. (l.). Excuse me. Miss Fay, this yere man is Mr. 
Bemis Bennington. 

Bemis. I just dropped in to return your ring. 

(Ha7ids her the ring.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT IV 

SCENE. — Mrs. Courtenay's sitting-room. A pleasant, well- 
furnished room. Large double window at rear c, con- 
cealed by curtains. Entrances, l. 2 to dining-room and 
k. 3 ; the latter entrance is large and steps leading up and 
off are visible from the audience. Large fireplace at it. 1 
with fire burning in it. Mantel ornaments, etc., over this 
fireplace. Several pots of blooming plants decorate the stage. 
There is plenty of comfortable furniture about the room. 
Lights are half down, but a strong red glare comes from the 
fireplace. Candles are burning in different parts of the 
room. Large standing lamp with red shade at rear l. 

{At rise of the curtain, Pink is discovered peeking through 
the door at h. 2, looking into the dining-room. Conver- 
sation and laughter are heard off L.) 

Pink (with closed lips). Unim, umm ! Ain't dat scrump- 
tious? Two kin's ob ice-cream, plum pudding and six kin's 
ob cake. Mighty salubrious, mighty salubrious. (Comes 
down l.) Wish't I was in dere. {Speaks in a gruff voice.) 
" Kin I help you to a li'l more ice-cream, Miss Pink ? " (Bozvs 
and smiles!) Yas, sah ; don't keer if I do. Oh, not so much. 
I ain't got no sech appetite as dat. Well, if you insists, all 
right, kase it shore am delicious. And pass de cake ! Yas, 
sah, I reckon I'll take a li'l bit ob each kin'. I certain'y am 
powerful fond ob cake. Ain' dis yere weather been warm fo' 
dis season ob de year? Pass me some more ice-cream. Yas, 
I reckon I'll take a li'l cup ob coffee, too. Dese certain'y am 
small cups. Lawd, don' I wish't I was settin' in dere at de 
quality table. I shore would make dem eatables look sick ; I 
shore would. 

(Bemis appears at window. He peers in. Only his face is 
visible. ) 

Bemis (trying to attract Pink's attention). Ss ! Ss .' 
Pink (frightened). What dat ? 
Bemis. Pink, come here ! 

63 



64 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Pink. It's burglums. I gwi' to 'larm de house. 

Bemis. Pink ! 

Pink {apron over her head). G'wan away, man. G'wan 
away, I tell you. 

Bemis. I'm not a burglar. 

Pink. Den who is you? 

Bemis. I'm Mr. Bennington. 

Pink. Is you, shore enough? {Peeks at him.) Lawd, 
lawd, man, I shore did think you was a burglar. 

Bemis. Where's Fay? 

Pink. She's in de dining-room. We's habin' a dinner 
party for Mr. Wise, de lawyer man from New York. 

Bemis. Yes, I know. Could you slip in and tell Fay that 
1 want to see her? 

Pink. No, sah. I'd lose my job sure. Mis' Courtenay's 
done gib strict orders not to let you in. 

Bemis. But I'm not in. 

Pink. Well, you's almost in. 

Bemis. Here's a dollar for you, Pink. {Hands it to her.) 

Pink. De Lord look down ! Is dere dat much money in 
de world ? 

Bemis. Now I want you to give these flowers to Miss Fay. 
But of course Mrs. Courtenay mustn't know anything about it. 

Pink (taking flowers). I'll do it, boss. But, honest, you'd 
better go, kase if they'd ketch you here I'd hab de palpitation 
ob de heart, I shore would. 

{Puns to door l. and peeks in dining-room^) 

Bemis. Tell Miss Fay that I'll be waiting in the rose arbor. 
Pink. Duck, man, duck; dey'scomin' ! (Hides the flowers.) 

(Bemis disappears. Enter Mrs. C, Sam. and Fay from l. 
Mrs. C. sits at r., Fay at l., Sam. at c, Pink up l.) 

Fay. I'm sure, Aunt Clarice, that I saw Mr. Wise in the 
rose gardens last night. He was walking in the moonlight and 
sighing. 

Mrs. C. How do you know he was sighing? 

Fay. Why — er — men always sigh when they walk in the 
moonlight. 

Sam. And he told Stubby that you were the queen of the 
rosebud garden of girls. I think that was beautiful, Miss 
Clarice. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 65 

Mrs. C. But Mr. Wise is so old, and he's from the North. 
He must be fifty if he's a day. 

Fay. I don't see any objection to that. 

Sam. And Stubby says he's got just oodles of money. 
Stubby used to work in his offices in New York. 

Mrs. C. It's been the dream of my life to live in New 
York. 

Sam. And he's such a progressive man. He's only been 
in Opaloopa a month and the street-cars have been running for 
two weeks. 

Fay. And he's so attentive to you, auntie. 

Mrs. C. Then why doesn't he show it? Are New Yorkers 
always so reserved ? 

Fay. Bemis isn't reserved. 

Sam, And neither is Stubby. 

Mrs. C. Fay, don't mention the name of Bemis Bennington 
in this house. 

Sam. {hastily). I never met a nicer gentleman than Mr. 
Wise. Stubby is perfectly devoted to him. 

Mrs. C. He is a gentleman, I am sure, but I don't trust 
him. I don't trust any man. Bemis Bennington and Noah 
Jabb each deceived me and Jeremy Wise 

Fay. Oh, Mr. Wise wouldn't deceive you for the world. It 
isn't his nature. You certainly must have some confidence in 
him or you would never have made him the president of the 
street-car company. 

Mrs. C. I have confidence in his business ability, my dear, 
but I have no confidence in his attentions. In the words of 
the old song, Men are deceivers ever. 

Sam. I don't think Mr. Wise would deceive a kitten. 

Fay. And I never saw a man so desperately in love. 

Mrs. C. But he's old enough to be my father. 

Sam. Well, of course, he isn't as young as my Stubby. 

Mrs. C. Well, I should hope not. 

Fay {rising and going to window, gives a long sigh). Ah ! 

Mrs. C. {to Sam., who has crossed to her). Now she's 
thinking about Mr. Bennington. 

Sam. Yes. Isn't it sad? 

Mrs. C. Sad ? That I refuse to allow her to associate with 
such a man? It's the best thing in the world for her. I'm 
not going to have Fay treated as I was treated. Sammie Bell, 
have you heard anything about his prospects? 

Sam. No'm. Stubby says he hasn't got a job yet. 



66 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Mrs. C. He has already forfeited bis right to his uncle's 
millions. The will stipulated that he should marry in six 
months. I don't see why Noah Jabb doesn't claim the fortune. 

Sam. After the way Noah Jabb treated your interests in the 
company I wouldn't think he'd have the nerve to claim any- 
thing. Stubby says that he got away with thirty thousand 
dollars of the company's money. 

Mrs. C. It's true. He has proved himself a common de- 
faulter and I reckon he's in Rio Janiero now spending my 
money. I'll never trust a man again as long as I live. 

Sam. Who is to be the new manager of the street-car com- 
pany? 

Mrs. C. I don't know. Mr. Wise is looking for some one. 
But I draw the line at Bemis Bennington. I positively will not 
have him in my employ again. 

Sam. Poor Mr. Bennington ! I'm sure Fay cares for him. 

Mrs. C. Then the sooner she forgets him, the better for 
her welfare. 

Sam. I saw him down on the square this evening, Miss 
Clarice, and he certainly did look pindly. That man's wear- 
ing out his soul for Fay. 

Mrs. C. Then I'll take her up North with me. 

Sam. Are you going up North? 

Mrs. C. I've been thinking about spending the spring in 
New York. Fay ! 

Fay {coming down). Yes, Aunt Clarice? 

Mrs. C. Come away from the window. The night air is 
too cool. Pink, close the window. There is probably some 
one lurking in the grounds. 

Fay. I didn't see any one. 

Mrs. C. Probably not, but if any one is lurking out there 
I'll take good heed they don't get in the house. 

Fay. But, auntie 

Mrs. C. Now don't start to argue, Fay. As far as you and 
Bemis Bennington are concerned my mind is made up. {Goes 
to u.) I never want to see his face again. \_Exits R. 

(Fay sits l. and buries her face i?i her hands.) 

Sam. (crossing to her). There, there, Miss Fay, don't you 
worry. Leave everything to Stubby and me. We'll fix it just 
fine. All we have to do is to make Mr. Wise propose to Miss 
Clarice, and then she'll do anything he .asks. That's why Mr. 
Bennington had him come all the way down from New York. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 67 

Fay. Yes, but will he ever propose to her? 
Sam. I'll have Stubby talk to him. 
Pink {coming down l.). Miss Fay ! 

{Makes mysterious signs.) 

Fay. What is it, Pink? 

Pink. Pse got somepin fer you. 

Fay. What is it ? 

Pink. He's done been yere. 

Fay. When, Pink? 

Pink. Jes' 'fore you all come in. He gimme dis yere bo- 
kay to gib you. {Holds it up.) Ain't dat scrumptious? 

Fay. Oh ! {Reads note that she finds among the flowers.') 

Pink. He told me to say he's waitin' out in de rose garden. 
{Crosses to door l.) Jest like dat man Mr. Romeo in de 
movin' pictures. [Exits l. 

Fay. I'm not going to submit to this dictation any longer, 
Sammie Bell. She hasn't any right to treat us like children. 
I'm going to rebel. I won't stand it. I reckon I'm of age, 
ain't I? 

Sam. Now, Miss Fay, you'd better leave it all to me and 
Stubby. We've got it all fixed. Mr. Bennington's going to 
get his five thousand dollar job and a wife in the bargain. All 
we've got to do now is to pacify Miss Clarice. 

Fay. I won't pacify her. She's cruelly unjust to Bemis. 
(Rises.) I'm going out in the rose garden. 

Sam. Miss Fay ! Sh ! 

Fay. I don't care what she says. 

Enter Mrs. C. from r. 

Mrs. C. I thought the gentlemen had come in. 

Sam. I can't imagine what they are doing. 

Mrs. C. {seeing the floivers). Oh, what a lovely bouquet ! 

Sam. {taking it). It's for you, Miss Clarice, with the com- 
pliments of Mr. Wise. 

Mrs. C. Really ! How very kind he is. [Crosses to r.) 
When he comes in fell him I'm waiting for him in the rose 
garden. 

Fay {alarmed). The rose garden ? 

Mrs. C. Certainly. 

Fay. But it's awfully damp in the rose garden, auntie. 

Mrs. C. I know it is, but the moon is shining, Fay, and I'll 
wear my big white shawl. [Exits R. 



68 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

Sam. Do you reckon she'll meet Mr. Bennington? 
Fay. I don't know" Oh, Sarnmie Bell, if this keeps up 
much longer I'm going to elope. 

Enter Stub, and Wise from l. 

Wise. Hello, where's Mrs. Courtenay? 

Sam. She's out in the rose garden, Mr. Wise. Now's your 
chance. 

Wise. My chance? What d' y' mean chance? 
-Fay. You've made a wonderful impression on my aunt, 
Mr. Wise. 

Wise {strutting around*). Likes me, does she ? 

Fay. Didn't she make you the president of the Opaloopa 
Street-Car Company? 

Wise. Yes, after Professor Jabb had absconded with the 
funds. 

Fay. That shows her confidence in you. 

Wise. She won't be so confident when she learns whom I've 
appointed as general manager. 

Sam. That's just it. You must bring her to the point be- 
fore you tell her. 

Wise. Bring her to the point? What d' y' mean point? 

Stub. Haven't you heard her say she'd rather live in New 
York than any place on earth ? What do you want her to do, 
kidnap you ? 

Wise. But I'm a confirmed old bachelor, Stubby. 

Fay {close to him at r.). It's never too late to mend, Mr. 
Wise. 

Stub. (l.). And it's never too late to get a widow to 
mend for you. 

Wise. Mrs. Courtenay is a wonderfully fine woman, Stubby. 
And being a bachelor is a mighty lonesome business. 

Sam. Then go out in the rose garden, Mr. Wise, and look 
at the moon. We have a wonderful moon in Opaloopa. 

Wise. At any rate I can tell her about the new manager. 

Stub. Let's get it all fixed up and go back to New York. 
Gee, I'd give a million dollars to ride in the Subway. 

Sam. {down l. with Stub.). I thought you liked Opaloopa, 
Stubby. 

Stub. There's only two things in Opaloopa, Mr. Wise. 
Yep, just two things; life and death. If a man wears a white 
collar on any day but Sunday they call out the fire department 
to disperse the crowd. 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 



6 9 



Wise. Oh, then they have crowds in Opaloopa? 

Stub. Sure, they have. A crowd here means three people 
and a dog. One of the trolley cars ran into Main Street last 
week and moved it three blocks west. The first time I saw the 
depot, good-night ! I said to one of the human lamp-posts, 
" When can I get a train out of here? " He said, "Just wait 
a minute till 1 run to the depot and see what day this is. If 
it's Sunday, there's a train to-morrer, but if it's Monday, there 
won't be no train till the last of the week." (Laughs.) 

Sam. Stubby ! 

Stub. But I'll back the girls of Opaloopa against any on 
earth. And the widows, too, Mr. Wise ; especially the 
widows. 

Wise. Wouldn't my old friends be surprised if I brought a 
wife back to New York ? 

Fay. And wouldn't the people of Opaloopa be surprised if 
anything like that would happen ? 

Stub. The people of Opaloopa would be surprised if any- 
thing ever happened. 

Sam. Come on, Mr. Wise, Stubby and I will show you the 
way to the rose garden. 

Wise. Yes, but I don't know 

Sam. (taking his arm). Of course you don't know now. 
But you'll know in the morning, all right. (Leads him to R.) 

Wise. But do you think there's any chance for me? 

Stub, (taking his other arm). Chance? Boss, there's 
every chance in the world. Gee, I'd just love to see that fresh 
skirt Genevieve McGully when Mrs. Courtenay sweeps into the 
office and says she's the new wife of the boss. 

Wise. Well, you seem to have everything settled. I'm 
game. No one can ever say that Jeremy Wise didn't know a 
good thing when he saw it. Forward, march ! Lead me to 
the rose garden. \_Exeunt Wise, Sam. and Stub., r. 

Fay (dotvn l.). I won't stand it any longer. 

(Takes out note and reads it silently. Bemis sticks his 
right arm through the curtains at rear.) 

Bemis (concealed). Hs ! Ss ! 

Fay (alarmed, rising). Oh! (Sees the arm.) Oh! (Re- 
assured.) Oh! (Goes to curtains and takes Bemis' hand; 
sighs contentedly.) Oh ! 

Bemis (looking in at the windoiu). Is the coast clear? 

Fay. Bemis ! 



70 A COUPLE OF MILLION 

• (He leaps in.') 
Bemis {extending arms). At last ! 

Enter Fink from L. 

Pink. 'Scuse me, 'scuse me, Miss Fay. I'se got a man ob 
my own. [Exits l. 

Fay. Aunt Clarice is out in the rose garden. 

Bemis. I know it. She was sitting in the pergola and I 
thought it was you. I kissed her ! 

Fay. Bemis ! 

Bemis. I don't think she recognized me. In fact she acted 
as if she expected some one to kiss her. So 1 folded my tent 
like the Arab and silently stole away. 

Fay. What did she do ? 

Bemis. She started after me. But just then Mr. Wise came 
strolling along and she gave up the hunt. 

Fay. Oh, I'm not going to stand this persecution any 
longer. She has no right to treat me like a child. I know 
what we'll do. We'll elope. 

Bemis. But I've just received my appointment as manager 
of the street-car company. 

Fay. She will never give her consent. 

Bemis. I think she will. From the latest reports from the 
rose arbor she'll do anything Mr. Wise asks her to. 

Sam. {outside r.). Miss Fay ! Miss Fay ! 

Fay. Quick ! Some one is coming. The window. 

{He hides behind the curtains.) 
Enter Sam. and Stub, from r. Fay crosses down L. 

Sam. It's all over but the shouting. We've stormed the 
rose arbor and the enemy is ours. 

Stub. I'd never 'a' thought it of Mr. Wise — never. He 
was down on his knees like a hero in a picture show. 

Fay. Did you congratulate them ? 

Stub. Aw, no, they hadn't got that far yet. 

Enter Wise and Mrs. C. from r. 

Mrs. C. Fay, come and kiss me. 

Fay. Auntie ! 

Mrs. C. I've decided to live in New York, 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 



71 



Stub, (to Wise). Slip her there, governor, you're all 
right. 

Wise. I've just been telling Clarice that I have appointed 
Berais the new manager of the company. 

Mrs. C. I think Mr. Bennington will make a good man- 
ager, Jeremy. I'll allow you to attend to all my business in- 
terests. (To Fay.) But I'll never give my consent to his 
marrying you. 

Fay. Oh, that won't be necessary, Aunt Clarice. 

Mrs. C. You mean you will marry him in spite of me? 

Wise. Now, my dear Mrs. Courtenay, I should say, my 
dear Clarice 

Mrs. C. He will never inherit a penny of his uncle's mil- 
lions, even though he has a five thousand dollar position. The 
will required him to marry by the first of January. 

Bemis (appearing a). Oh, don't worry about that, Aunt 
Clarice. 

Mrs. C. (haughtily). Sir ! 

Bemis. Mr. Wise, 1 offer my congratulations ; Mrs. Court- 
enay, accept my very best wishes and give us your own in re- 
turn. (Goes to Fay at l. c.) 

Mrs. C. (r. C. with Wise). What do you mean, sir ? 

Bemis. Your niece and I were married on Christmas day. 

Mrs. C. Married ? Fay, is this true ? 

Fay. Yes, auntie. 

Mrs. C. Then I've done with you. I 

Wise. Just a moment, Clarice. The ceremony was per- 
formed at my instigation. You see it was this way. I knew 
Jabb was a defaulter. I knew he had absconded with your 
money and I felt sure that you wouldn't want Mr. Chizzleton's 
millions to go to such a man. So I decided we'd keep the 
money in the family. Wasn't that right, dear? 

Mrs. C. I don't know. I hardly know what to say. 

Wise. Then allow me to tell you. Simply say, "God 
bless you both and may your future life be as happy as mine ! " 
That's all. 

Mrs. C. (holding out her amis to Fay). Fay ! 

Fay (rushing to her). Auntie ! 

Bemis (shaking hands ivith Wise). And I owe it all to you. 
There's nothing like diplomacy. 

Stub. Say, if youse will excuse me and Sammie Bell I 
think it's our turn to go out in the rose garden and look at the 
moon. 



7 2 



A COUPLE OF MILLION 



Sam. {bashfully). Oh, Stubby ! 

Stub, (taking her hand). Come on, Kid, I don't care 
what happens to me now. {Runs out r. with Sam.) 
Wise. Bemis, my boy, I knew you'd do it. 
Fay. Do what ? 
Wise. Win the Chizzleton millions. 

Enter Pink with four glasses of wine on tray. 

Mrs. C. Pink, you're just in time. A toast. 

(All hold glasses on high.) 

To the high god Health, 

And the high god Wealth, 
And Fate all gods above, 

We will drink a toast, 

But we'll drink the most 
To the wee little god of Love ! 



SLOW CURTAIN 



Two New Prompt Books 

Edited by 
GRANVILLE BARKER 



THE WINTER'S TALE 

By William Shakespeare 

An acting edition ivitk a producer ' s preface by Granville Barker 

With Costume Designs by Albert Rothenstein 
As produced by Lilian McCarthy at the Savoy Theatre, London 

An admirable stage version of this play suitable for school performance, 
if desired, under simplified conditions as to scenery. Mr. Rothenstein's 
illustrations contain many helpful suggestions as to costuming. 
Price, 25 cents 

TWELFTH NIGHT 

By William Shakespeare 

An acting edition ivitk a producer s preface by Granville Barker 
With Illustrations and Costume Designs by Norman Wilkinson 
As produced at the Savoy Theatre, London, by Lillah McCarthy 

Uniform in appearance and style with the above and similarly helpful 
for performance by amateurs as well as by professional talent. 
Price, 25 cents 

Mr. Barker's " producer's prefaces " are a trial step in the direction of 
providing less experienced actors and managers of the great plays with 
the results of an expert consideration of them from an acting standpoint. 
Like Miss Fogerty's admirable work in connection with the five plays 
listed elsewhere, they are designed not merely to answer the questions 
that must arise but to put the inexperienced producer into such a relation 
with the text that his own intelligence will be able to cope with his prob- 
lem without help or suggestion. One learns how a man like Mr. Barker 
approaches a play with the idea of staging it, and so how another may do 
the same thing. In this they will be seen to be truly and genuinely 
educational as well as merely helpful. 



Sent postpaid by mail on receipt of price 

Walter H. Baker & Co., 5 Hamilton Place 
BOSTON, MASS. 



THE SCOUT MASTER 

A Comedy- Drama in Three Acts 

By Walter Ben Hare 

Ten male characters. Costumes, modern"; scenery, an exterior, the 

same for all three acts. Plays two hours. Simon Trimmer, a crooked 

lawyer, imposes upon Mr. Meredith, the Scout Master, as his lost son, 

Billy Piper, a boy tramp. Billy, under the influence of The Boy Scouts, 

becomes incapable of continuing the deception, and confesses the fraud 

just as it is shown that he really is what he has pretended to be. A 

capital play, introducing songs, drills and all sorts of characteristic stunts 

with lots of fun. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Billy Piper, a boy tramp. Rooster Jackson, a black man- 

Mr. Meredith, the Scout Master. of -no-work. 
Simon Trimmer, a crooked Freddy Hunter, an adopted son. 
lawyer. Slivers Hammerhead./^^/ 

Gap Rinkle, owner of the Eagle dime novels. 

Hotel. Teddy Sullivan, the patrol 

Issacher Trip, the old timer. leader. 

Hefty Mull, a bad man. 
Boy Scouts, Sailor Lads. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Dooryard of the Eagle Hotel, Bingville, Mo. Father 
and son. 

Act II. — Same scene. The ghost of a yaller hound pup. 
Ringing the bell. 

Act III. — Same scene. The Boy Scout Minstrel show. The 
prodigal son. 

HIS METHODIST FOOT 

A Farce in One Act 
By Vance C. Criss 
Three male, six female characters. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy 
interior. Plays twenty minutes. A book-agent, calling upon Mrs. Jones 
upon his hateful errand, is mistaken for the new minister, whose first call 
is expected, and is given entertainment in that character which, for busi- 
ness reasons, he sustains to the best of his ability. What he learns en- 
ables him to do a rushing business after he has been found out. Very 
lively and funny and can be recommended. 
Price, ij cents 

SILAS MARNER 

A Drama in Four Acts from George Eliot's Novel 
By Franklin S. Owen 
Nineteen males, four females ; six of the men are small and unimpor- 
tant parts. Costumes, as suggested by the novel ; scenery, unimportant. 
Plays an hour and a half. A capital play wholly suited for the use 0/ 
schools. Price, 25 cents 



THE FARMERETTE 

A Play in Three Acts 

By Evelyn Gray Whiting 

Seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. Plays two 
hours. Nan Wellington throws up a good job in the city when her 
mother dies, and comes back to the old homestead to save it to the family. 
Her plucky fight as a "farmerette" against inexperience, nature, and 
human villainy and greed provides a play of unusual interest for all girls. 
Recommended. 

Price, 23 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Jane Wellington, sixteen and still " unhissed." 

Jocelyn Wellington, fourteen or fifteen years old, the little 
Bugologist 

Elnora Wellington, a girl of nineteen or twenty ; a bom home- 
maker. 

Mrs. Beckwith, a woman of sixty or seventy ; an unfriendly neigh- 
bor. 

Nan Wellington, a dainty blonde of twenty-two ; the Farmerette. 

Minnette Wellington Lawson, older than Nan and in good 
contrast ; an admirer of soulful eyes. 

Gracious Ann Bean, a stout, middle-aged colored "pusson" ; a 
believer in ' ' Calicothenics.' ' 



SIX TIMES NINE 

A Comedy in Two Acts 

By Gladys Ruth Bridgha?n 

Eleven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an interior and an ex- 
tenor. Plays one and a half hours. A party of American girls and their 
chaperon traveling abroad encounter the Princess Vara of Wollenhokte in 
her summer home without recognizing hei, and in her company bear 
themselves with credit in some warlike incidents of her reign. Very ex 
citing and full of charm. Well recommended- 
Price, 23 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Princess Vara of Wollenholde. 

Countess Alexis, her aunt. 

Countess Yvonne, her cousin. 

Freda, her maid. 

Lurine Raje. 

Mrs. Avery Hamilton Hapgood, of Concord, Mass., U. S. A. 

Winifred Tufton "} 

Lucy Simpson I Pupils in Mrs. Hap- 

Molly Andrews \ good's Seminary. 

Amelia Lee J 

Delia, Mrs. Hapgood s maid. 



PEER GYNT 

A Play in Five Acts in Verse 
By Henrik Ibsen 

An acting version of this notable play by a distinguished author, ar- 
ranged for the stage by the late Richard Mansfield and acted for several 
seasons by him and later by Louis James. Mr. Mansfield's skill and suc- 
cess in condensing this spacious poetic drama were scarcely surpassed by 
his triumphant performance of the leading role, and will serve as a strong 
crutch for all who may adventure the piece as a necessary detail of any 
large illustration of Ibsen, the dramatist. 

Price, paper covers, 25 cents 



Uniform with the follozviug plays by the 
same author : 

A Doll's House. A Play in Three Acts. 3 males, 4 females. 
An Enemy of Society. A Play in Five Acts. 9 males, 2 females. 
Ghosts. A Drama in Three Acts. 3 males, 2 females. 
Hedda Gabler. A Drama in Four Acts. 3 males, 4 females. 
The Lady From the Sea. A Drama in Five Acts. $males, 3 females. 
The Master Builder. A Play in Three Acts. 4 males, 3 females. 
Pillars of Society. A Play in Four Acts. 10 males, 9 females. 
Rosmersholm. A Drama in Four Acts. 4 males, 2 females. 
The Wild Duck. A Drama in Five Acts. 12 males, 3 females. 
The Young Men's League. A Play in Five Acts. 12 males, § females-. 

Price, paper covers, 25 cents each. 
Sent post-paid by mail on receipt of price. 



This series is offered to meet a growing demand for the plays 
of this well-abused and hotly-discussed writer, whose influence 
over the contemporary drama is enormous even if his vogue in 
the American theatre be still regrettably small. These plays are 
intended for the reading public, but are recommended for the 
use of literary societies and reading clubs, and somewhat diffi- 
dently suggested to dramatic clubs, as providing unconventional 
but vigorously actable material. As a dramatist Ibsen is abso- 
lutely "actor-tight," and has written more successful parts and 
inspired more " hits " than any of his more popular contempo- 
raries. This edition is printed in large, clear type, well suited 
for the use of reading clubs. 



TEAM-WORK 

A College Comedy in Three Acts 

By H. Q. Gallupe a?id Charles Gott 

'Prize winner, Pen, Paint and Pretzel Contest, Tufts College, November, iqio 

Ten males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays two hours and a quarter. The college course of Bob, the mainstay 
of the football team, is threatened by his father's ruin, due to the schem- 
ing of the uncle and patron of Humphrey, a classmate. Humphrey places 
his own standing in jeopardy to save his chum and finally saves the situ- 
ation. This is the backbone of a strong play with very strong and various 
incidental interests and lots of first class comedy. Good atmosphere, lots 
of humor, strong characters ; can be highly recommended. 
Price, 2j cents 

CHARACTERS 

Stewart Almy, '* Toot," a member of "Paint and Powder," a 

dramatic club. 
William Jefferson Jordan, "Shine," the playwright, member of 

"Paint and Powder. 
Bob Richards, captain of the football team, host at Forest Lodge. 
H. Gardner Humphrey, football inanager. 
Frank Bell, electrician for "Paint and Powder." 
Bill Black, "1 

Tom White ' | sta £ e nan <^ s f or "Paint and Powder." 

Sam Green, J 

Messenger Boy. 

Dorothy Sprague, 1 

Edith Richards, Bob's sister, \ Students at Jackson College. 

Ruth Sargent, ) 

Mrs. Hodgkins, Bob's aunt, the chaperon. 

Amy Sinclair Grandby, a Radcliffe student, Edith' s friend. 

| SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Dining-room at Forest Lodge, morning. 

Act II. — Same as Act I. Evening of the following day. 

Act III. — Stage of the college gymnasium, on the afternoon 

preceding the performance of the Paint and Powder play. 

THE CRIBBER 

A College Comedy in Three Acts 
By W. P. Mcintosh 
Six males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three easy in- 
teriors. Plays an hour and a half. A student finds an examination paper 
that a professor has mislaid and hides it for temporary safety in another 
student's desk, where it is found in a search for a lady's letter by a jealous 
rival. The case looks black against a very popular man for a while, but 
is finally cleared up. Co-educational piece, with good atmosphere and 
lots of incidental fun. 

Price, i J cents 



PROFESSOR PEPP 

A Farcical Comedy with a College Flavor in Three Acts 

By Walter Ben Hare 
Nine males, seven females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy ex- 
terior, the same for all three acts. Plays two hours and twenty minutes. 
Professor Pepp, on a vacation trip to Russia, is initiated by Boris Ardoff, 
a Russian humorist and former pupil of the Professor's, into a Nihilist So- 
ciety " The Redeemers," and is so unlucky as to draw the red ball which 
obliges him to murder the Princess Katchakoffsky. In terror he at 
once flies from Russia, but Boris, to prolong the joke, writes ahead of him 
to a friend on the faculty, telling the story and revealing the password — 
" Bumski." With this weapon everybody in turn has his own way with 
the terrified Professor, who sees a Nihilist in every bush. A side-splitter 
with more good parts than any piece of its kind for years. Strongly rec- 
ommended for school or college performance. Price, 23 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Professor Peterkin Pepp, a nervous wreck. 

Mr. C. B. Buttonbuster, a giddy buttetfiy of forty-eight. 

Howard Green, his son, who had the court change his name. 

Sim Batty, the police force of a college town. 

Peddler Benson, working his way through school. 

Noisy Fleming, just out of high school. 

Pink Hatcher, an athletic sophomore. 

Buster Brown, a vociferous junior. 

Betty Gardner, the professor ' s ward. 

Aunt Minerva Boulder, his housekeeper, from Skowhegan, Maine, 

Petunia Muggins, the hired girl. 

Olga Stopski, the new teacher of folk-dancing. 

Kitty Clover, a collector of souvenirs. 

Vivian Drew, a college belle. 

Irene Van Hilt, a social leader. 

Caroline Kay, the happy little freshman. 

Students, Co-eds, etc. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. Professor Pepp's residence on the college campus. 
Act II. Same scene. Surrounded by the nihilists. 
Act III. Same scene. A double wedding. 

NOT ON THE PROGRAMME 

A Comedy in One Act 
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
Three males, three females. Costumes, modern; scenery, a single in* 
terior. Plays forty minutes. Mrs. Whitney, rehearsing for amateur the- 
atricals with Vincent Fielding, a dramatic coach, in her own home, is 
misunderstood by Ophelia Johnson (colored), her maid, who summons the 
police to straighten out what seems to her a very criminal state of things. 
'Rastus Brown, a plumber and admirer of Ophelia, helps Officer Hogan to 
muddle matters into a very laughable state of confusion. Easy and 
strongly recommended. Price, ij cents 



COLLEGE DAYS 

A College Comedy in Three Acts 
By George M. Rosener 

Ten males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors 
and an exterior. Plays two hours. Quincy Jordan, the son of a tyrannical 
farmer, wins a scholarship offered by a prominent newspaper and throws 
off the paternal yoke. At Westward College, which he has chosen he- 
cause the girl he loves is there, he is at first disadvantaged by his circum- 
stances, but he soon makes good both with head and fists and not cnly 
defeats the plot for his downfall that his rivals lay for him, but comes out 
a victor in college, wins the girl he loves, and carries all before him. A 
fine piece with many fine parts ; strongly recommended. Lots of comr ly. 
Professional rights reserved. 

Price, 25 cents 
CHARACTERS 
Quincy Jordan, a farmer. 
Quincy, Jr., his son. 
Squire Drake, a rich farmer. 
Jerome, his son. 
Uncle Hez, a town character. 
Poor House Onnie, another. 
Paul Prye, the bully. 
Professor Rex, a teacher. 
Hal Dexter, a student. 
Harry C. Graham, a politician. 
Jim Brady, a r^orter. 
Jersey, Quincy "Jordan s wife. 
Violet, Squire Drake ' s daughter. 
Aunt Sally, a town character. 
Any number of students. 
SYNOPSIS 
Act I. — Exterior of Quincy Jordan's farm, near the summer 
school of Westward College. 

Act II. — Exterior of Westward College. The home of Professor 
Rex. 
Act III. — Quincy, Jr.'s, law office out West four years later. 

THE COLLEGE POLITICIAN 

A College Farce Comedy in Three Acts 
By H. W. IVeis and D. T. Howard 
Sixteen males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three inte- 
riors. Plays two hours. Ted Kingsley, an outsider, applies the political 
methods of the outside world to the problem of winning the election for 
football manager in his college and, after an exciting campaign in which 
he shows great ability in this line and sets the college on end, he wins the 
office and the sister of his rival at one blow. An exciting play, witli the 
true college atmosphere. Lots of good parts ; not difficult ; well recom 
mended. Price, ij cents 



THE BOY SCOUTS 

A Play for Boys in Three Acts 

By Walter Ben Hare 

Twenty males. Scenery, unimportant; costumes, scout and modern. 
Plays two hours. Worth refuses to vote for Tony as a new scout because 
the latter is poor, but Tony shows in the end that he is a true scout and 
wins his election. This simple motive underlies lots of characteristic fun 
and stunts, and offers as a whole a very vigorous and sympathetic picture 
of the Boy Scout practices, motives, and ideals. Strongly recommended. 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Stewart Nipper, known as Nip. 

Fred Tuck, known as Tuck. 

Dick Randolph, the patrol leader. 

Worthington Leonard, a rich boy. 

Tony Ardis, a poor boy. 

Jakie Stein, with business instincts. 

Chubby Childs, who don' I care if he is fat. 

Watermelon Jackson, a lazy coon. 

Mrs. Watermelon Jackson, and her seven little coons. {May bt 

omitted. ) 
Lippy Scudder, who thinks he's a hero. 
Bub Waldron, going on seven. 
Jack Hall, assistant patrol leader. 
Plupy Higgins, who likes to study. 
Lee Waldron, some athlete. . 
Tom Redway, who plays the piano. 
Shorty, Harry, Charley, Will and Frank, other Boy Scouts. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — The meeting of the Boy Scouts of America. Nip and 
Tuck. 

Act II. — A rehearsal in the gym. The stunts of the Scouts. 
Act III.— Same as Act I. Swearing in the new tenderfoot. 



AUNT ABIGAIL AND THE BOYS 

A Farce in One Act 

By Lillie Fuller Merriam 

Nine males, two females. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. 
Plays one hour. Aunt Abigail, who hates boys, visits Gerald in college 
and finding him dressed in female costume for theatricals takes him for 
his sister Geraldine. Things are badly mixed up when his friends turn 
up and see the situation, but in the end Aunty is wholly cured of her 
dislike for the " boys." Lively and amusing ; recommended for schools. 
Price, ij cents 



JL 01* Pfnero's Plays 

Price, 50 gents €acb 



MID fHANNFI Play in Four Acts. Six males, five females. 
WIIl/"\*ni\liliEilj Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH S a _$K 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THF PRfiFI If ATF Play in Four Acts. Seven males, five 
* ***■« * IWr LiHUr*. 1 JCi females. Seenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF QfHnfil MIQTRFQQ Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
1 n& tJvnvliljKlliJ 1 R.&00 seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY gg t ta £E, A & 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

QWFFT I AVFNDFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
uVYEiEil LJ\ YEgJ.il/EiIV four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

TUS7 TUITMnCDDOI T Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
lnii inUniiEiIVDULI nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; oostumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TIMFQ Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
I ElC 1 HYlEiO Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

THF WCAlfl?!? QFY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
in£i YVEiiil\Eif\ OEiA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
soenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ^«Z&S&£& 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Waiter $. pafcer & Cmnpanp 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 

L ______ — ■ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



015 907 637 4 



Cfje ^tlltam barren Ctittton 
of ^iaps 

$rice, t5 Centg <£arf) 



AS YftFT I ISTP IT Comed y m F*™ Act «- Thirteen males, four 
iU 1WU iUflat/ 11 females. Costumes, picturesque ; sconery, va- 
ried. Plays a full evening. 

C AMU I P Drama in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Oos- 
\tAiUiL,L,Li xuxaes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 

INfiOMAR Flay iu Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
INUvJMAA goenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 

MART STUART Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
niAi\i OlUHni males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE 25£fiff£&2: SZ£2. 

picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

DirHPT IPF! Playin Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Bcen- 
nivllLM^U ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
evening. 

THF RIVAI S Comedy \ n Fi ve Acts. Nine males, five females. 
llll» BlfAVi) Scenery varied; costumes of the period. Plays a 
full evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER 2K&5 EXJFiJSZ 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU Will 2ETMSZ 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
fall evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter $. "Bate & Compart? 

Ho. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



S. J. PARKHILL a CO., PRINTERS, BOSTON, U.S.A. 



